A daily prayer

Oh Lord Jesus, please hear my prayer today, a prayer of repentance for the heart you have made for me and how I have strayed from your plan...

You gave me a heart to love others with, to see who they really were, to feel compassion and care for those in hurting times and of great need...

Instead I took your heart and greatly distorted it by making it a heart of selfishness and greed...

A heart that manipulated others, especially those who needed the most help, who were downtrodden and weary, looking for your validation and encouragement...

Instead I used your chosen, your loved ones, their very souls, as my validation for who I wanted to be, who I needed to be, for my own gains, my own notches, my own fulfillment...

Lord, I am so sorry for corrupting the precious heart you gave me and created for me, one of encouragement, sumpasco need and understanding for others and for loving others, as you have created them and not as how I needed them.

Thank you Lord, for healing my heart and setting me free...

Amen

Why Me?

How many times have you asked that question?  Why me?  I grew up asking that almost every day.  Growing up I felt that the world was always out to get me, everyone I knew had a hidden agenda, everything was my fault, and the grass was always greener.  I was the king of the pity-party.  Looking for others to pick me up when I was down.  Not allowing God to take control.  Stuck in my own pride and addiction of feeling down and depressed.  I allowed my self to be a victim so people could take pity.  I allowed myself to be a victim in my own life!

I was a victim in my own life!  My conscious was bleeding continually, and I couldn't stop it.

I was trapped in my own shame and guilt that was taught to me at a young age from many of my life sources.  It was a part of our family lifeblood and curse that ran deep on both sides.  No one was ever quite good enough, talented enough, loved enough or cherished enough to know who they were and to stand firm in that identity.  Instead in the curse of family shame and guilt, everyone turned to their pride to get through the good and bad.  If things didn't go well we'd use deflection and blame others, cut ourselves emotionally and spiritually or just blame ourselves.  If something actually went right it was because they picked themselves up by the bootstraps and worked hard at it, or occasionally genie god would grant a wish that came true.  However, the guilt and shame would soon set in and the foreboding feeling of when will the other shoe drop would set in, afterall the good times and joy really couldn't last.  God really wasn't that good, was he?

Or is he?

Eventually the trials and storms of life would set in, and confirm the inkling suspicions that were hidden deep inside.  God failed us again, and now we need to muster up all the strength deep inside to find those bootstraps and do it on our own.  If we succeed that will be awesome, but we'll probably fail since we're losers anyway.  We were trapped in poverty and desolation, not really knowing Jesus died for a much better life.

Life to the fullest! Jesus has "come so that they may have life, AND HAVE IT TO THE FULL!" (John 10:10)

Jesus died so we could have a better life.  So we wouldn't have to get trapped in our day to day circumstances that we have no control over.  Our world is broken, people are broken, situations are broken, Jesus is the healer!  Jesus is the life!  He is the one who can set you free!

I didn't understand this, but now I live it.  I still get my doubts and struggles, still reach for my own bootstrap from time to time, but the weight of the bootstrap is too much and I let it go.  I let it go because the yoke of Jesus is so much lighter and easier to handle.  I can handle that because He has already paid the ultimate price by taking my sins and the worlds' sins upon the cross with Him.  He is our mediator, He is the great physician.

Jesus Christ died to set YOU free, so YOU can life YOUR life to the fullest.

Why wouldn't you want that lifeforce living in you?  Accept it today!  Trust me, it's worth it.  It reminds me of what Chuck Swindoll said in one of his messages, and I paraphrase:

                  Without Christ, whatever your current circumstance, this is the best your life will ever be.  With
                  Christ, no matter the circumstance, this will be the worst your life will ever be.

Think about it, life can only get better with Christ in your life, guiding and directing your every footstep, so whether you are at the peak of awesomeness or the pit of despair, life can only get better; whereas, if you don't accept Christ, your life is as good as it's ever going to get, EVER.

Do you want more and better life to the fullest?  Or are you good with your life now?

Getting back to the point of "Why Me", I came to realize one thing. God created me to persevere, through good and bad, regardless of the origin (my own doings or just random sensless acts due to a broken world).  I am supposed to be a man who stands up when things are going tough, rally troops, encourage others to keep moving and find strength from God to be His warrior, no matter the cost.  I am human, I fail at this miserably, but now I know when I'm reaching for my bootstrap or reaching for God's power.  I know that the family curse has ended with me, and from that the generational sin will end.  I had the choice, and I choose Christ!

Why me?  Why not!  Christ loves me and wants His best for me.  He will strengthen me.

In closing God left me with this little bit of wisdom that I want to share with all of you.  It means so much to me I have wrote it on a post-it note and stuck it in my wallet right in front of my debit card. 

                  The truth is we can have good and bad days, good and negative feelings.  Issues arise when
                  days and feelings are good and bad.  That is life and the broken nature of sin.  The problems
                  come about when we start letting the feelings and circumstances define who we are.  We
                  feel like we fall out of grace with God or we turn our back on God's grace in our pride and
                  arrogance.  We lose our eternal joy because of our fleeting emotions, as we turn to ourselves
                  in our pride.

Christ died so we can feel joy in all circumstances, knowing that He is our rock and salvation. Not our circumstances and feelings.

Let this truth soak in to your hearts and minds.  Quit letting circumstances define who you are and your feelings drag you down.  Your God is much bigger than circumstances and feelings of this world.  God didn't die on a cross to let you suffer with brokenness, wounds and sin.  Jesus died on a cross to set you free.

Be free today!

I love you,

Ken 

Falling Arrows

Probably the coolest vision I have received while in Joppa was my Falling Arrows dream.  Much like when Peter was in Joppa he had a vision about all the animals of the Earth being pure to eat, as God cleans things that were once impure (Acts 10:9-16).  I could imagine being Peter on that rooftop before the noon lunch, in the heat of the day, getting hungry and praying while this fast was occurring.  I have fasted before and received cool messages, revelations and prophecies, but nothing like the dream I am going to share with you.

Much like Peter's vision, I too was riled up in the Holy Spirit before I fell asleep.  I was already on a Holy Spirit filled Dunamis Friday night in early March 2012, and I had made the foolish decision to ask God a question before going to bed.

Ask and you shall receive.

"How bad is the world going to have to get before Jesus comes back?  I mean we all have stability and security for the most part.  We'll always have homes or dwellings to live in and food to scrounge.  What is going to have to happen?"  [Keep in mind, as the opening section begins, I had no idea that Syria attacked Turkey earlier that week--in fact I hadn't watched or read the news in months.  And currently with Russia sending attack helicopters to Syria I need to get this out, NOW.  God's been on me for two months to get this written so I'm going to do what he tells me].

Falling Arrows: An apocalyptic dream (3/2/12)

Attack on Turkey

There was such vivid illustration in the dream that these first few sequences cannot be fully expressed, but I will do the the best to describe to you what I saw.

Syria had enough.  They needed to regain the power they once claimed in the region and they decided to go up against the more "westernized" culture of Turkey.  What a more clear way to send a message than through a shock and awe bombing campaign against a dormant enemy.  Syria threw all they had against Turkey, and this began civil uprising within the region.  It wasn't only mechanical violence that reigned down in the Mediterranean country, but human violence as well.  Syrians who lived within Turkey began targeted attacks against their Turkish neighbors by shooting, suicide bombing and torturing their once friends.

At once Turkey revolted and struck back, as would any country, nation or people who were ambushed suddenly and violently.  What began as an act of self defense turned into an ethnic and nationalist war.  Turkey and those who identified with Turkey broke out sectarian violence not only against the Syrians, but against all in the Middle East and North Africa.  What started as Syria wanting to flex its muscles turned into an all out ideological war.

The sectarian Syria attack and counter attack by Turkey helped fuel the Palestinians to seek revenge against the nation of Israel.  Since most of the fighting between Turkey and Syria was between Muslims, Jews and Christians, Palestine felt even more empowered to take it to Israel and other Judeo-Christians in the region.  Other conflicts also arose in the region, some religiously fueled, others just because they had a strong distaste for their neighbor.

The most interesting part was the changing in alliances.  Depending on who was getting attacked for various reasons, enemies became friends and friends became enemies.  If a third party became involved, pure chaos erupted and what would seem the most rational (enemies fighting enemies), actually became unpredictable (enemies turning against the third party and allying together to fight off the new intruders).  By the middle of the regional crisis, the genesis of this conflict was forgotten, and many of the boundaries of the Middle East, Northern Africa, and Southern Europe were destroyed.  The ebb and flow of alliances caused too much confusion, and the entire area turned to anarchy.

There was one startling detail missing though--the lack of the United States, UN and EU presence in this widespread violence.

[In the dream, the conflict was illustrated on a sweet looking ancient map of the region described.  I saw ellipses of enemies morphing into allies against other ellipses, and so on and so forth.  I wish I knew how to graphically create it because it was really neat to watch unfold.]

At home in the United States: 

The Environment

Growing up in the country I knew that if apocalyptic times ever came about I would always have my hunting and gathering skills, as there are always animals around to hunt or scavenge and plants to eat.  The apparent lack of animals was astounding...no rabbits in yards, squirrels in trees, birds in the air, deer in the fields, nothing.  Not a peep of animal was to be heard, nor a flash of tail was to be seen.  The main food source left besides the dwindling and over priced grocery supply was grass and tree roots.

A several year crippling drought in the farmlands (Midwest) and floods in the fertile crescents (Mississippi/Ohio River valleys) drove grocery food supplies to a desperate low.  Even the abundance of corn for ethanol was dwindled to nothing thanks to the floods and drought.
 
The Economy

Economic depression had ripped through the U.S. starting with soaring gas prices at $10 a gallon thanks to greed, high taxation and faulty futures predictions, and there was no mass transit systems to allow for travel across the vast country.  The crumbling economy forced leaders to make a strategic and crippling decision to bring all of the worldwide troop presence home and shut down all of our foreign military bases.  The only active branches left were the National Guard, Reserves and Coast Guard.

The economy also led to massive nationwide layoffs causing many people to move back to their original homes to help support each other.  This caused a lot of tension as there were multiple families and as many as 5 to 6 generations living under one roof or on one plot of land.  In the dream, the illustration was quite interesting to watch the migration of people.  I saw massive migratory shifts across the United States back to their original hometowns.  One example was people who lived in Eau Claire moved to Superior; families who lived in Minneapolis moved to Dallas; Denver families left everything and moved to Orlando; etc.  Basically, whatever family member had the biggest house or biggest plot of land, the nuclear relatives moved there.

Of course, no money meant record housing foreclosures as well.  There were vacant houses and lots all over the United States.  Some due to families leaving all they knew behind to live with other family members; whereas, others were vacant due to people just giving up and living in the streets or wherever they could find shelter.  This included sewer ducts and drains, concrete overpasses and awnings, caves, tents, trees, wherever.

The shocking thing was no one lived in the vacant homes.  Squatters did not exist, and I do not know why that was.  Maybe it was because they had given up hope, had seen what living in homes really cost and their souls were crushed as a result, or they were afraid the banks would kick them out again.  Whatever the case, the empty houses sat dormant and dilapidated.

The Politics

With dwindling resources, overburdened taxation, and public confidence at an all time low, the politicians became weary and desperate.  Instead of drawing closer with their constituents and citizens they represented by pooling the resources, they turned to even more extreme politics.  The weapon of choice, words: cutting, alienating words.  No violence was ever used in the crumbling of the United States politico, but where weapons would have limited the overall damage, the cold and calculated rehtroic cut deeper than ever.  Not only were the democrats and liberals fighting republicans, who were fighting the libertarians, who were out for blood against the tea partiers and constitutionalists, but the federal reps were fighting the states, states fighting each other, and in-fighting within the states over resources was out of control.

The dream highlighted Wisconsin, and how the people and families of Superior were fighting Eau Claire residents (even though many were only days ago close friends); Eau Claire screamed at Madison who was in yelling fits with Milwaukee.  Of course all of these areas were also fighting against Minnesota, so on and so forth.  But nothing was getting accomplished.  Only deeper wounds and deeper anger.

Since the government was not functioning and corporate leaders were callously indifferent to the suffering (they were still mobile and affluent), nonprofits tried to jump in and help the cause.  They pooled all their resources, put on clothing and food drives, tried to raise money, and in Eau Claire (and across the country) they moved into a one stop shop facility for ease of access for those in desperate need.  But even they couldn't keep up and their racks and shelves soon became bare...except for one:

Goodwill

I personally have nothing against Goodwill, but the dream specifically pointed out Goodwill. 

Since Goodwill had the brand recognition and national resources, they were able to flex their muscles and use the deseperation marketing to sell their image and convince the public to give them all donations.  Usually Goodwill is great with sharing and allocating resources to the community, but now the power of being the trusted brand and seeing the public's response, they too became indifferent to the suffering and became hungry for riches.  Their reps would go as far as turning people out of the donation lines for the local nonprofits and showing them their storeroom at the central location where all the nonprofits were housed. 

"Look at all the resources we have.  How could they, who have empty pegboard walls and shelves, compete with us?  Give us your donations and we'll appropriately and responsibly allocate these to those who really need it."

What the public did not know was no one received the donations, as the Goodwill execs were getting rich off withholding the resources the deprived public so badly needed.

Nervous State Leaders

It was around this time word was getting out about the sectarian violence in Turkey, Syria and Middle East.  Fearing the worst with the abroad conflicts but also fearing national outbreak of violence in the US, the governors decided to activate their National Guard soldiers to protect their states.  This caused more tension between already isolated families (some families were split up--wives from children and spouses, children from parents, etc., due to not being able to afford to travel), as now fathers, mothers, sons and daughters were forced to leave the confines of home and head to the state's main National Guard bases for an indefinite amount of time.  

The federal government could not do anything about it as their hands were tied with budget constraints on their own military branches.  The federal military branches (Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force) was literally shut down due to lack of funding, and the bases were closed.  Only the Pentagon remained open where the top military officials could confer in a central location in case if evasive action was needed.

Back in Europe:

The Politics

Meanwhile, tensions in the European Union and affiliated countries were growing stronger as the regional sectarian violence was becoming wide spread.  The stronghold Western European countries (France, Spain, Germany, Sweden, Finland, Norway, Britain) were in the same political and economic battle as the United States, but had more of a sense of urgency in pulling together to find solutions to the situations before it spread to the "free world", and less verbal wars than what was experienced in the United States.  However, even their great ideals of finding a solution was starting to come to an end, and hope was being lost.

Then it happened:

Falling Arrows

I was in my close friend's house with him, his girlfriend, and my father.  My brother was working and my mom was absent, looking for food possibly.  Chalsea was at home in Eau Claire.  I had made the trip up to gather what little remaining resources we had left before heading back.  I was standing by a window looking out at the gray, murky, cloud-filled sky, as the sun hadn't shown in days, looking over the streets and seeing the desperation setting in on the people below.

Out of no where I heard a "thwack" and a blood curdling scream.  A man keeled over and a huge, 4-foot-long, 3-inch-wide, wooden arrow was stuck in him--ran him through.  All of a sudden the window next to me crashed as an arrow flew in from out of nowhere.  Then a barrage of wooden arrows came flying out of the sky, bouncing off people's rooftops and walls, smashing windows and denting vehicles.  Carnage was in the streets as now people were being picked off left and right.

Pure panic filled the city, and no one knew what to do!  People rushed for any sort of shelter and protection, including vacant houses, storm drains, caves, underpasses, buildings, anything with a roof and a narrow entrance.

I yelled throughout the house to gather everyone into the innermost rooms of the building away from windows, doors and exterior walls, as the arrows could only penetrate the first layer of the wall structures, and the roofs of the houses were impenetrable.

Immediately we turned on the television and scoured the internet to see if this was widespread.  Certainly carnage was flowing throughout the United States and Canada as news reports flooded the airwaves and internet pages about the mass annihilation of innocent bystanders.  The arrows also took out many satellites, communication towers and the trans-Atlantic wire (does that even exist anymore?) so communication with Europe and the rest of the world became obsolete.  Cell phone usage was hit and miss, but people were able to access the internet and call each other, at least in the United States, through land line and dial up modems.

Meanwhile, back in Eurasia...


The fighting and desolation between the warring countries was starting to spread to more of Europe, all of Africa and the western part of the Asian continent.  All over the region, Jews and Christians were being tortured, exiled and killed for their beliefs in God.  Men and women were being stoned to death, hung from crosses, hanged, whipped, boiled, and any other means of death possible.  The EU had given up hope and left it up to the independent countries to call truces or peace among the nations.  It seemed that all power and control was lost and total anarchy was upon the Eastern hemisphere.  Then the Falling Arrows started its descent on Western Europe--on those countries that had just given up hope (Spain, France, Britain, Ireland, Scotland, Finland, Norway, Sweden, Germany, etc).

The Stranger


Suddenly, a man of middle eastern descent, rose from the Mecca area of Saudi Arabia and began to purposefully and powerfully move throughout the region finding the most outcast and desperate people possible in the promise of bringing peace to the region.  This guy was untouchable.  He could walk right through live battles and not even be glanced by a bullet or touched by violence.  In fact, time would stand still as he searched out and selected his chosen followers.  His journey started in Egypt, moved to Morocco and Libya, then to Saudi Arabia, Syria, Turkey, Iraq, Italy, Romania, Russia and even Poland.

It was in Poland where the vision, through a polarized orange/yellow hue, graphically showed a man of unknown religion being crucified by brazen armored soldiers.  This peacemaker stranger, through what seemed pure unconcern and oblivion to the violence around him, had the audacity to walk right past all that was going on, reached out his hand and pulled the suffering victim down from the cross.  From that point on the 12 followers of his were established, each one from a distant lineage of the tribes of Israel, and his crusade of bringing peace began.

He won the hearts of many, and the confidence politically and economically of the Western European countries as treaties were drawn up, the economy strengthened and hope restored.  In fact, the arrows even quit falling on those parts of Europe that had given up all hope and started falling in Asia major.

However, the peace that was being won was a deceitful power play of more violence and carnage.  Even though this stranger was able to unite the European and Middle Eastern cultures to solidarity, the violence grew even more widespread as he commanded the armies to spread to the rest of Asia to begin the world takeover.  To kill anyone who was a survivor of the arrow attacks.  And as the violence moved eastward, the arrows started falling again behind them, picking off all who weren't following.

The Anti-Christ had established himself in the world, and the Western world was no where to be found.

The Desolation in the United States


My vision then shifted back to the United States as the arrows flung themselves upon the once free country.  I went from city to city, state to state seeing the desperation and loss of hope that began to sink in to so many hearts.  Many people were hoping for a quick end to their lives so they wouldn't have to suffer anymore.  There was a lot of wailing and sorrowful voices crying out to each other to find any solace possible.

The vision then focused in on Washington, D.C.  It was like I saw the city through the same polarized yellow/orange lenses, as what used to be the capitol city lie before me in ruin.  It looked as if an atom bomb had gone off, as the national monuments, buildings and offices were destroyed.  All of our political leaders had been slayed by the arrows, and the Pentagon, Capitol Building and White House were nothing but mortar and bricks with the shell of the buildings left.


A New Hope in the United States


The vision then turned back to where I was huddled in the inner room of my friends house.  I found myself crying out to God asking him what was going on and what needed to be done.  I was desperately pleading with the Lord to stop the arrows from falling and to bring peace to the United States once again.  The Lord simply answered,

"Go outside."

"Are you crazy, Lord!  Arrows are flying out of the sky, picking people off left and right and you want me to go outside!!!??? Isn't praying from in here enough?  Must I risk my life for nothing?  Are you kidding me?  Only a madman would go outside right now!"

"I'm with you, go outside and pray out loud.  I will protect you."

"OK, I will do it," I answered hesitantly, "I will go outside and pray to you my Lord."

At first I didn't know what to pray so I just prayed out to God asking for his sovereignty and goodness even in times like this and admitting to him how scared I was.  I really, really prayed about how scared I was and how badly I needed him in that moment.  Suddenly, an umbrella type arch appeared over my head as I walked through the threshold of the door and onto the driveway outside.  People who stood by their windows watched in awe.

"What are you doing!?" they screamed.

"Praying!  Praying to my Lord, God!" I replied bewilderingly.  I prayed a bit more and sure enough, I was safe.  The arrows were bouncing off the protective shield above my head.  I yelled out, "God will protect you, come outside and pray with me!" to all that would hear.

Eventually people came out, seeing that I was bold enough to stand the test.  They too joined in with scared prayers at first but eventually grew confidence that their one true God was going to save them, too.  People immediately started calling, texting and e-mailing friends and family reporting the good news of salvation; how God had delivered them from the falling arrows and was protecting them.

As the news spread like wildfire, the umbrella type bubbles over peoples' heads grew into huge, HUGE hands.  I asked God what this all meant, and he replied, "The arrows are falling stars.  All of creation has been groaning for this moment and is starting to fall in upon itself.  Through your prayers and testimony of faith, my Angel armies have been called upon the Earth to protect all that follow me.  What you see above the heads of my chosen ones are the hands of Angels.  They have always been there but now you are able to see them."

In that moment, communication with Western Europe was restored and the gospel was spread to them.  The falling arrows were ceasing in the countries that held faith and hope that the one true God would save them.

Shortly after, as people were coming out of the dwellings, no longer praying for the mountains to cave in but to find faith and protection from God the arrows quit falling.  The sun came out, the believing nations regained color, and a new hope arose.  People became united in Love for each other as old enemies became friends again, and families were reunited.

Joy and worship erupted in the streets of North America and Western Europe.  Never before in the history of humankind were we so excited to be alive!  Our God had come through and we were living proof of his power.

The Arrival


All of a sudden Jesus appeared before us and walked with us preaching and commending God for his good work done through us.  He rounded all who followed him, as people from all over the North American continent drew in close.  He looked at us with compassion and a fierce, burning jealousy raged through him.  "Are you ready?" he asked.

"Ready for what, Lord?" I replied.

"We are going to take back what is ours.  We are going to defeat darkness, the Anti Christ and his armies once and for all, are you with me?"

"But Lord, we have no weapons and no way to travel overseas," I protested.

"You have me, that's enough.  I'm all you need," He replied earnestly.

At that moment a peace came upon us all as the Holy Spirit raced through all present.  We started hovering above the ground, and we began to fly with Christ to cross the Atlantic and take the battle to the front lines.  Jesus Christ as our leader.

And that's when the vision ended.

Amen.

I love you,

Ken

Game Over: Living life inspired by the Greatest of These

When pressed by the Pharisees about which was the greatest commandment (Matt. 22:36-40, NIV):

        ³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your   
          mind.’^{[a] 38} This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your 
          neighbor as yourself.’^{[b] 40} All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” 
  
We've all heard this, a million times over.  Maybe it's hit you with Dunamis-life-altering-power, maybe not.  Maybe it's like drinking warm water when the words leave your lips, maybe it's like drinking fire.  Maybe it hits you in the ears like a rubber chicken, or it penetrates deeply into your soul, but what does this really mean?   

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind...


Love the Lord your God.  Easy, right?  With all your heart?  He made my heart, no problem.  All your soul?  He controls it, sure, I mean it's somewhere down there, last time I checked at least.  All your mind?  Wait, mind?  I control my mind, don't I?  I control what I say, think, feel, process, dream and want to do with my mind.    

If we only understood how deeply God loved us, this would be easy.  What is holding you back?

The purpose of this post is not to focus on this first part; however, the past few sentences really are meant to get you thinking what God's love really looks like, first from Him to you, and then from you to Him, and then toward yourself.  


Loving yourself?

Sounds selfish, right?  I mean, most fights and conflicts arise when we love ourselves.  Usually when we love ourselves it puts other people out of the picture; we reach for our dreams, desires, needs and wants first, and if we actually help someone else in the process, that's a collateral consolation prize in gaining our "good deeds" points for God and getting to Heaven.

But really, how are we supposed to really LOVE others if we do not Love ourselves, first?  Maybe the definition of love needs to be changed from love to Love, at least how we view it from an every day world sense. I appreciate this definition from 1 John 3:16 (NIV): This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

Or how about John 13:35 (NIV): "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” 

Of course love definitions also come from Paul in his writings to the Corinthians (insert 1 Cor 13 here, probably heard at any wedding you've ever been to).  Patience, kindness, not proud, serving, seeking others, the list goes on.

Yeah, that all makes sense in loving others, but love myself?  Really!?

With this new sense of what "Love" means, do you love yourself?  Can you love yourself.  It's a pretty big deal, because, as Jesus said, to love others means loving them as we LOVE OURSELVES.  Now that we don't have a selfish view or at least definition (by this blog's terms) of what real Love looks like, is it even possible?

That was a real question to me when I began my healing journey.  When asked if I Love myself, I didn't have an answer.  Truth was, I HATED myself, everything about my being, what I stood for, what I had done in my life, who I was, where I was, everything.  I woke up and spite and disdain would flow from my essence even though I was really good at masking with with a proud sense of "serving others," which was really an empty well of bitterness and hatred.  It was a well that never filled, always leaving me empty, so I looked for relief wherever I could find it.  Something to cover the hatred for myself. 

Do you love yourself?

What do you feel when you realistically ask yourself that question.  I mean really search your inner core, your true essence, your being.  Do you love yourself?  Can you love yourself?  Why even bother, right?


BECAUSE GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE HIS ONLY SON (JOHN 3:16)

God knew what he was getting into.  He knew we were full of failures, faults, sin and evil desires and intentions, yet He still Loved us (with so much patience, grace, mercy, kindness, selflessness, servant-hood), so much he let his Son die and bleed out, and be mocked, picked on, rejected and beaten, for us.  Every single human being who walks on this Earth.

Let that soak in for a bit.  Stop reading.  Come back to this if you need to.

There is a point.  This post isn't going to turn into a John 3:16 seminar, but this point is important.  We are that valuable to our creator God that He sacrificed himself on a cross just to regain relationship with us.

We are that valuable. Each one of us.  Individually unique and marked by God.

I'm not just talking Christians here, either.  ALL of us are that valuable to God, whether we believe in Him or not.  He believes in us.  He can redeem anyone using any story He desires.  He Loves you.

When this starts sinking in, you feel it.  A little twinge, a little pull, a little smile forms.  Then a quick pull back or shutter, and the door slams shut and denial sets in.  You know what, that is OK!  God is patient.  He created eternity, He will wait, but the question is how long can you wait?

To be set free to Love your neighbor, you must love yourself first!

When we begin to Love ourselves, we begin to Love God by being obedient to His wishes, desires and dreams for our lives.  You may think it's impossible, but let's look at Jesus.  Seriously, let's go there.

Jesus was a human, just like you and I.  Now before you throw the blasphemy train at me, Jesus was also fully God, and He knew this.  He chose to be fully human also.  Why is that so important?  He wanted relationship with us so bad [His creation (as God), his neighbor (as Christ the Jewish carpenter, rabbi human)], he decided to strip himself of all his Godly rights and live as a humble, obedient servant human (see Hebrews).

Jesus was born a baby, pooped his cloth diaper, nursed for food and needed to be burped and cleaned just like us, had the same perils of being birthed in the most unsanitary conditions possible, brought up in a time of political uncertainty, all while learning how to walk on his own, feed himself, learn his Hebrew alphabet, and search out his God Created Identity.

He needed to learn how dependent on God he really was, just like us.  He knew how much God loved him, but he learned how much God loved him, too.

It's true that no sin ever departed from His being, and He never knew sin while walking on the Earth, and He had this crazy supernatural protection around Him.  But what happened if He would have had sinful things happen to Him?  What would have happened if He was sexually molested, sexually or physically abused, beaten by Joseph or an Uncle, neglected, and He still died for our sins as God on the cross.  Would you look at Jesus differently then?

What gives us the right to look at our neighbor with such disdain?  Jesus knows their pain, He lived the human experience.

Why do Christians overlook the Greatest of These commandment so much, unless if it really affects them?  I know, we all fall short of the glory of God (Romans), and we're all sinful creatures.  None of us have it figured out.  Is it because you can't see how Jesus loved you as His neighbor?  Do you not feel Jesus can relate to your story?

True, Jesus did not sin or suffer physical abuse growing up, but the man was picked on, chastised, rejected, persecuted, even called a bastard, in a sense, from the Pharisees.  Jesus was abandoned by his parents when He was twelve-years-old.  Now true, when the Middle Eastern Jews rolled, they rolled about 80 deep with their entourage, but who forgets their first-born son?  Mary and Joseph did.  They left Jesus for three days at temple, after the Passover Feast (see Luke 2:39-52).


Can you relate?

Growing up I was picked on mercilessly by peers, family members, adults, friends.  You name it, I was marked.  I walked through life feeling this huge bulls eye on my back and forehead for permission to go ahead and pick on me.  A huge kick me sign on my back, a huge gullible sign on my forehead.  Of course, I didn't help myself out at all by being judgmental, holding grudges, and looking for revenge all the time.  Or just being a poor sport.  Who knows?
But I grew up, from the beginning, feeling rejected, defected [being sexually abused didn't help (believing the lies in my four-year-old head and soul about how I was worthless, had no value.  Of course, my sexual abuser was male, so add that to the equation--I was messed up emotionally, and had because of my defectiveness, I had no value)], and persecuted for being me--a light of God, a warrior for his people, a spot of wisdom and gentleness in a broken world, a receptacle for God's and Jesus' love in its fullest for my neighbor.  To have a sensitive and loving heart for others who were broken, just like me.  To have a heart like this was painful and costly.  In addition, my own story of rejection, abuse and neglect was piled on top, too much for a four-year old to emotionally process, so I cut myself emotionally, deep to the core for feeling my own pain, and never let anyone know my secret.  This led to more emotional cutting, more self hatred, and more performance addiction.  Expecting myself to be a top performer and others. 

I'm not perfect, nor an "angel or saint," nor am I the best representation, but to share a heart of Love with others, God's heart toward others, was God's plan for me.  A plan that is just now being redeemed.

In the end Jesus was flogged, beaten, whipped, spit upon, rejected, mocked, denied and crucified for that Koinonia relationship He desired so badly with the ones he called neighbors.  There was no doubt Jesus knew how much God loved Him.  There was also no doubt that Jesus loved himself.  Even near the end He pleaded with God to "take the cup from his hands."  Luke 22:42-43 (NIV):
  
⁴² “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” ⁴³ An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. ⁴⁴ And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.^[c]

Jesus enjoyed being a human. He loved relating with people and having relationship, no matter how hurtful or painful the relationship may have been, or how slow us humans are with realizing huge and basic concepts (how many times did Jesus shake his head or sigh at the disciples lack of understanding?).  But in the end Jesus loved God more and knew God's wiill and redeeming plan for the entire world, for His neighbors.

Obedience to a cross is the final victory in the redemption of Loving our neighbor as we Love ourselves.

So as disciples of Christ, as Christians, we should be marked by this relentless willingness to serve our neighbor, regardless of political backing, ethnicity, religion, race, creed, orientation, and on and on.   Just as Christ loved us and loved those who beat him and crucified him; just as the Apostles loved their neighbors by spreading the gospel to their deaths; as many others felt the fire burn for their neighbor, the Love of God for them, they rejected their own life and bared the Cross of Christ daily to show their neighbor their value and worth in God's eyes; we are now called to live a life like that.

Oh, a life like that is costly.  Jesus' life wasn't peachy, nor the apostles, nor the people who came before or after Christ who followed God so obediently out of reverent fear and Love for him, but they knew the bigger picture.  They saw what it was all worth.
At the final day of judgement is it true, every knee will bow.  On some God will show mercy, even if they had never heard of Jesus.  However, at that time they have a chance to repent.  Then God will turn to those that are called Christians, and ask them why these people have never heard of Christ.  If an account can not be given, He will tell those to get away from him, for He never knew that person who didn't share the Love of Jesus Christ with the World, his neighbor, neglecting the Greatest of These commandments.

Brash warning, bold words.  How do you respond in your heart of hearts?

You are important to God.  God Loves you and finds value in you.  No matter how broken, despised or how much hate you feel for yourself.  God still Loves you.  Regardless of your life circumstances or situations.  God Loves you and values you as his neighbor.  Once you know how much God Loves you, you will naturally Love him back, and in the process feel His Love for others.
I pray that in the end I can hold myself accountable of showing God's Love toward my and His neighbor.  This blog is only the tip of the ice berg of what I need to do, so I need to ask for God's guidance and presence every day, and live out of obedience to his will, not mine.  His Love not my love.

Begin Loving yourself, showing yourself grace and mercy.  Love God, Love yourself, Love your Neighbor.

But why the title, "Game Over"?  It's because if we followed The Greatest of These Commandments, if every Christian and Christ follower would loose their heart and let the Love of God infiltrate their every step, if they would learn how to Love themselves as God Loves them, if then they would begin to Love their neighbor, then their neighbor would learn of their value to God and feel his Love, only then would the whole world hear and obey, and it could put an end to all this madness that sin has brought into our lives.  Essentially, it would be Game Over to allowing Satan have rule and dominion over the power and world that he's already lost.  It would show him that Christ is the ultimate victor, and through His Love we prevail over darkness.  No more finger pointing, no more hostility and anger, no more hungry and homeless people.  The least will become greatest and the last will become first. 


In essence, God's will would be done on Earth right now, as it is done in Heaven.

So I'll write it again:

Love God, Love yourself, Love your Neighbor.


I Love you,

Ken

The Sea

It can be so easy to lose focus when walking on the path of obedience.  I understand why Paul was so adamant about his own struggle with sin in Romans when he speaks of he knows what to do and doesn't do it or knows what not to do and still proceeds doing so.  It's those distractions, those hooks of sin that can draw us back into the worlds in which we used to live.  The worlds that would make us spiral out of control into darkness, shame and sin.

I was listening to a service in the series called "Turning the Tide" the other day and Matt and Doug were speaking about the crossing of the Red Sea.  It made me stop and think about what that must have been like.  To have the Egyptian army, THE ENTIRE EGYPTIAN ARMY, the most feared army in the world at that time, with all their chariots, elite soldiers and infantry men, all the generals, commanders, sergeants, bearing down on you and there the entire nation of Israel was smack dab up against the Red Sea.  Any diversion around it would have been deadly as they would have been flanked by the corners.

Their hope was to live free, out of Egyptian captivity.  They had escaped and come this far.  Only to be in sink or swim situation, literally.

It was sure death.  No way out.  Trapped.

Imagine living your whole life in the desert land of Egypt.  The only skill you had was brick building, a skill that you had incredible talent since the ingredients were constantly changing.  I'm sure you dreamed about water, a lot, but had never actually thought you'd be faced up between a sea on one side and a raving mad army on the other, let alone ever swim in a body of water.

Now you and a whole nation are faced up against a do or die situation, sink or swim.  Then God steps in.  It's easy for us to look back and say, look at how awesome God was at that time.  He split the sea through the command of Moses and the sea parted and the land dried up, allowing the weary nation to move on.  It's easy to look back, but at the time, I'm sure they were scared to death, caught up in the moment, paralyzed in their own power. 

You know how that feels, right?

I need to reflect on two points.

First, the Red Sea parted down the middle and they watched it happen.  It would be like me walking outside, seeing that it is raining out, expecting to get wet, but not getting wet because wherever I moved an invisible barrier was over the top of me.  That would be a miracle, an unexpected miracle.  A nice miracle but still unexpected.  God moved an ENTIRE BODY OF WATER through his servant Moses out of necessity for escape and freedom.  The crazy thing is, the entire nation walked through the body, partly out of pure panic of having the strongest army ever known on your tail, partly out of being crazy (who walks into an ocean?), but mostly out of faith.  True this wasn't their first miracle (remember the plagues and the escape in general), but still talk about having huge faith.  There was no guarantee that the Sea wouldn't come crashing in, but by faith they walked through.  Even though moments before they considered giving up and going back into captivity to face who knows what type of brutality, the entire nation held onto faith that their one true Abba Father God would carry them through.  They kept the dream alive, and God kept them alive. 

The whole nation of Israel experienced a miracle in real time, as it happened.

Second, what do you picture when you see the Red Sea parting?  I'm sorry but I usually see this tiny deer path opening up, just enough to let one person through at time in a single file line.  I bet that is what you think, too, and that is OK.  However, when you start to realize how much LOVE, real LOVE, God had for his people, the picture in my mind expanded greatly.  In fact, only now as I write I really see the true picture of what happened. THE RED SEA PARTED!!  A great wall of water ripped apart, split down the middle with such violent force it dried the land underfoot and made more than enough room for the entire nation of Israel, all their livestock, and all their goods and plunder was able to pass through.  Again, all of this happened right then and there, no one expected it like that. 

When God works miracles, they are not begrudgingly small inconveniences, just-enough-to-get-by occurrences.  They are acts of crazy, head-over-heels love for you and me.

Could you imagine walking through a dried up sea with the walls of the sea towering far, far, far above head?  We're talking cubits (to speak biblically) above!  It would be easy to say you'd keep purposefully walking, especially in the deep of the sea, because you never know when the walls of water will come violently come crashing back.  But do we?  Do we keep purposefully moving forward, even in the middle of our parted seas?  As the world throws us turbulent times and as we continue our walk of obedience, are we always intentional and focused on the main goal?  Do we keep our faith or act out of fear that the sea will come crashing back down at any moment.  Do we keep moving out of Godly fear and reverence of his love, or do we take our time, lose focus, and pick up sea shells and fossils along the way? 

I know I would have had one heck of a time moving forward.  I would want to start collecting those sea shells and fossils, as my attention span would start to wane.  Or I'd want to rest and stop moving, and take a seat up against the solid water wall and nap a bit.  Again, I think this little deer trail opened, the nation of Israel took two steps and they were on the Saudi Arabia side.

NO!  The RED SEA parted!  It would take days and days, night after night, to cross.

Talk about focus and determination that God would get them through!  So where are you on your walk lately?  Are there turbulent issues going on in your life and you're stacked up against a Sea and the enemy of your life?  Do you feel that you're walking a tightrope down the middle of the Sea waiting for the walls to come crashing in and drown you at any time?  Or are you on the other side, being patent and faithful in your God, watching the turbulent times become destroyed as you look back, see how big your Abba Father is, praise him and claim victory, only to find yourself in another desert?  Only pleading with God to take you back to where you came from, even if it meant captivity to sin and death, because it is "safe" and "normal"?  After all, you've grown accustomed to heartache, loneliness, depravity of soul, and the numbness that came with living in captivity to sin.

I know from experience.  This was my life.  Always looking back, longing for the old days, even when death and destruction were immense and heavy.  I lost focus many times in the middle of escape, looking for sea shells, fossils and a place to rest and numb out rather than continue moving in obedience toward God and His plan for your life.  Once I reached the other side, I longed to go back to captivity, remembering all the good times of living in sin, when in reality they were soul crushing in heavy.  I chose to stop and not move once I reached the other side of the Sea, even though Jesus Christ destroyed my enemies and sin, washed them all away, and claimed victory over my former ways.  It was in this time of disobedience when I fell into my darkest and most secret of secret worlds.  The one that brought crippling death and sorrow into my life and marriage.

I chose to go back to death.  I chose depression and the heaviness that brought.  Only Jesus saved me again!  Now I live free in obedience to Christ, and living out who I’m supposed to be!  Living a life and marriage restored in Christ!

So I'm going to ask again.  Where are you in your path?  What are you holding onto that's keeping you in captivity or living in a fantasy of living the dream of the past?  Why are you holding back from God and his plan of a more and better life?

I love you,

Ken

Update

I know I haven't shared in a while, but that doesn't mean God isn't working out a perfect plan and path for my next few series of posts.  He is definitely marinating things on my heart that are worth sharing, but they aren't quite ready.  I am still praying for and love all of you who read this.

Maybe this timing is just as much for you as it is for me, so you can have the chance to read past posts and really start applying them to your life.  Ask God today how Jesus can set you free and show you where you need the Dunamis power of the Holy Spirit to work in your life and heal past wounds.

Take these next 40 days post Easter, to really focus on what matters most in your life.  It wasn't the 40 days building up to Easter or Passover that changed the history of man forever, it was the resurrection that changed history and the next 40 days that changed humanity.

I Love You,

Ken

Legacy of Choice (as originally appeared on Facebook)

This was the note I posted on Facebook a while ago.  I feel it is a good fit for the blog.  I don't know when my next blog is going to come, but I may post things like this or even songs or scripture that inspires me along the way.

Prologue (3/12/11):

For those who have been close to me over these past six months (and now for those who are new to this conversation--thank you for letting me volunteer you as a "tag"), you know I have been on an incredible healing journey, not only for myself but for my wife as well.  Part of this journey is finding out who I was created to be and how I can share that with the world.  I am to live a life without fear of persecution.  This has always bothered me growing up because if you are persecuted that means people will know the real you, and what you really stand for.  I lived a life growing up feeling a lot of fear, shame and guilt for who I was and what I have done, even if I hadn't done anything.  So for me to write what I'm writing now and to share what I wrote on 11/27/11, two months almost to the day after my story came out and my true healing began, and to not have any fear of persecution  is a sign, wonder and miracle in itself, all through the glory of the living Christ Jesus, my redeemer, mediator and advocate, who dwells in my heart and soul.  I write and share all of this because I love you, and you all need to hear what I wrote on that chilly November morning when I was at home instead of hunting in Cloverland, Wisconsin.

The context behind what I wrote is we've been studying Hebrews at Valleybrook Church.  Hebrews is a sermon that was given to a bunch of reformed Jews of the time.  No one knows who the actual "author" of Hebrews is, though there is a lot of speculation.  The really cool this about Hebrews is watching the Old Testament and New Testament come alive and merge all the history of the OT into the, at that time, emerging truth of the NT.  The biggest "theme" of Hebrews is teaching the Jews of the day how to actually inherit the Legacy of God through what his son, Jesus, did for the entire world.  So that is where the title, "Legacy of Choice" and a lot of my references come from.

Also, that morning I felt really sure on my heart that I would have to share announcements at church that morning (something I never have done at Valleybrook, nor has anyone ever suggested), but in obedience to what the Holy Spirit was prodding me to do (in that same obedience I type now), I wrote and that is why it's set up to the Valleybrook congregation that morning.  I didn't share the message with the church that morning, as when I was driving there it was revealed to me that I wouldn't have to...just writing it down was enough because God was going to use it at a later time.  OK enough set up--

11/27/11
Legacy of Choice

God, you are the everlasting God.  You have provided us a living promise of a legacy that we don't deserve but are fully thankful for.  Your grace and love toward us are truly remarkable and have forever humbled us as your chosen followers.  You, Jesus, are the ultimate redemption toward our sin and ultimate death.  We ask you to fill this room (and I ask him now to fill your heart as you read this) with your Holy Spirit, to bless our eyes, ears and hearts and prepare our our souls to truly see, hear and feel what you have in store for us today.  We ask for your blessing and protection from distraction as we sit in fellowship and worship you, as you reveal yourself to us.  In your mighty name, Jesus, Amen!

[At this time announcements would be given, and as was happening at this point, the announcer would share a bit of what was going on in their life/heart (usually Greg Mitchell, lead overseer, would be doing the announcements) at this time.  So this is what God revealed that I was to share]...

As I was lying in bed this morning, I tried to recollect the teaching from last week.  I couldn't remember!  Do you know how embarrassing that is!!  However, God started filling me with memories of the past week of how he was transforming my life through the message -- of how all the choices I have made over the past week have been cutting and exposing my heart and healing and freedom have been setting in.  Then it hit me -- head and heart knowledge -- it's time we quit living a life that separates the two.  We live in a higher accountability to God because we know what God expects of us!
James says that to know what to do an not do it is sin!  Think about that -- to know what to do and not do it is sin!

That seems like an awful lot of pressure, doesn't it?  When we live for God out of love and obedience and the willingness to choose him time and again, the pressure is off!  When we commit ourselves to God and his grace for us, we choose freedom!  A freedom that we get to inherit through Christ's triumph on the cross and resurrection over sin and death!

To choose -- that appears to me at least to be the cornerstone of Wounded Heart and Pure.  We can choose to go all in and receive God's grace, mercy, love and freedom through healing, or we can choose to live in the world, live with our crippling wounds, live with our crippling addition to lust, porn, work, alcohol, drugs, pride, shame, fear, selfishness, you name it.  Paul's warnings are clear in Romans, Chapter 6:1a: "Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?  By no means!  We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?"

CHOICE!  One of my biggest sins is to play the "What If" Game: what if this, that, another thing, here, there--picked this job, that job--lived then with what I know now, etc.  STOP IT!  Stop it!

God revealed to me this morning that part of his legacy includes his will for our life and the intimacy we gain from that to reveal his glory.

Look at Samson (or Sampson).  This dude had unreal strength and promise in his life.  God still used him to destroy Israel's enemies even though Samson chose a heart of the world through lust and defiling of his body--chasing after Philistine and other gentile women.  He ended up a blind, rageful man, but still God used him to bring down the entire Philistine elite.

My wife was reading about Abe Lincoln's life and presidency.  Here is a man that God used to unite the Union, free slaves and start one of the United State's and possibly world's largest civil rights movements; yet, he was severely depressed!  Why?  He didn't believe in the afterlife.  No Jesus.  As James states, what is work without faith?

What more could Lincoln and Samson have done if they chose life instead of death?

We still get a choice!  It's time to quit hiding in the shadows of grace and to start fulling living BOLDLY in the life that Christ died for!  As I will paraphrase James: Today we choose joy!  A promise for living a life in Jesus and freedom, if we choose it -- if we live a life with our head and hearts connected!

Let's pray.  God, we so desperately desire your legacy of choice, freedom and intimate will for our lives.  You knew of us before creation, knew all of our individual sins and our hearts, and you still love us!  Nothing shocks you no matter how dark and brooding our hearts.  Jesus, today we choose to live our lives in you, to choose you, no matter the risk it means to us!  It is all for your glory.  Lord, where you go, we'll go, where you move, we'll move, where you stay, we'll stay.  We will follow you because we love you and so desire your intimacy.  The same intimacy that David shared with you--as a man after your heart.  We desire you, Lord.  In your glory and honor Jesus, thank you!

Amen.

Epilogue:

I never got to share that message, but as it turns out, that was exactly the message Nita Bukowski shared with us that day in her sermon entitled, "Sure of Better Things."  It was all about choosing God and inheriting his promise for our lives.  Nita opened with Heb 6:4-12, and in summary it shows that we get to inherit all of God's promises -- when we inherit a promise, it lives in you.

Nita went onto teach that all promises come through faith and patience.  Faith is believing in what is unseen, as it sees the unseen, and patience is the ability to endure and preserve as we wait for God's will to be revealed in our lives.  These together help us equip our inherited promise.

At the end of my notes from that day I reflected the following: "Wow, I need this--felt so many times this week through torment and tried going back to the 'house of rebellion' because I was growing impatient with God's plan, but I still need more Character building.  His promise is so big it's worth the wait.  He wants us to be completely ready for his promises to come into reality--unlike Samson and Lincoln."

Thank you for reading this note.  I hope you lock it into your heart and let God use it as he will in your life, as he has used it to shape and form my healing and God Created Identity.  Thanks and glory to God for loving us even in our darkest hour and giving us a way out of certain death and separation from him for eternity through his son Jesus!  Pass it on to those you love!  I'm sorry if  I missed a tag to this note!  Truth is power and power sets us free!  Also, I am not a perfect guy, far from it, but Christ is making me more like him every day through redemption, grace and his mercy!

I love you!

Ken

Learning to Go Free

This blog took a while to create.  I was somewhat disappointed that I wasn't able to keep up with the "daily" blogs, but God had such a more amazing plan behind it.  The journey just to get to this point has been amazing and even after taking a few days, is more and better than I had dreamed.  Enjoy...

Living free in your own life.  You would think this is easy.  Being you should be the most natural thing in the world...after all you are you, right?  Have you ever thought of that?  Learning to life free as you?  This means living in a world of not being constrained by other peoples' impressions and ideas of who you need to be, not allowing culture to tell you what is acceptable or how you should act, not trying to please everyone and having everyone like you.  This means allowing yourself the grace to mess up sometimes and allowing other people to make mistakes, and not taking it personally.

This means living free of filtering everything we see and hear of what we think is being said or seen through our own perception and past wounds --always looking for that hidden agenda or message.  The hidden message or agenda of when is the other shoe going to drop, or what is that person really up to, or this person is here for me now, but when are they going to bail like everyone else?

You're worthless.  No one really feels that way about me.  What do they really want?

Living free means learning how to love people and let them into your heart.  It means taking down your walls of protection and getting to know others at their level and at your level.  That may mean you need to break down some toughness or bring your guard down just a bit to let people in.  Maybe you need to dig deep and heal some past hurts that have put you in your isolated shell.  It means feeling more emotion than frustration and anger.

At first going free from either way seems vulnerable and gross when you think about it.  We begin to like who everyone else sees us as, even if it goes against our core nature of who God created us to be.  We are rewarded for pleasing everyone even if it means we become hollow on the inside.  We get rewarded for being everyone's friend, but not letting anyone know who we are.  We get rewarded by pushing people away and isolating by developing a tough external shell.  We get rewarded by living in our shame based identity.

By living in shame we crave more sin, which leads to more numbing shame, so we reach for more sin thinking that it will help medicate our shame, but instead we bring on more shame, so we sin more, seeking relief but never finding it.  For example, one may be a workaholic, never spending time fostering real relationships or time with his family.  To medicate this shame of never being home, he buys really cool things with money he really doesn't have, so he needs to work more hours.  These hours start to become a burden on him and strain his relationships, so instead of rushing home after work, he runs to the bar.  This brings more shame.  The bar was supposed to help medicate his inadequacies of not having an intimate family and being in debt, but instead it just increased his shame level.  So when he goes home, drunk, he and his wife argue.  This leads to even more separation.  To ease his anxiety levels of not being in a loving relationship with his wife, he turns to porn and his hand for relief.  Defiling himself, he feels more shame, so he goes back to work to pay off the debt to keep his family close to buy cool things.

In the end, we get rewarded by living the standard that culture demands, even if it means compromising our morals.  Anything to not have to feel negative emotions, to push people away, to numb out, or to make a new friend, right?

Get it? 

I could go on more about shame but for this writing the basic thing you need to understand about shame is that it was created by God to get us back onto his path and will for our life.   Shame, when seen and processed correctly, is a good thing.  It's that quick sting to the conscious that makes us realized we sinned, we feel the mourn over what we have done (Godly sorrow) and move back into God's plan for our life.  Godly shame.  Shame turns ugly when we stuff it, believe the lies it is telling us (you're not good enough, you're a liar, you're a fake, no one really loves you, you're worthless, etc.), let it control us and let it drive us deeper into sin and more shame.  This is called counterfeit shame because it completely destroys the Godly shame in our life and replaces it with a bleeding conscious that can only feel guilt and despair, so we reach for things that medicate us instead of toward God who can cure us.  That's when shame completely takes over in our self-created identity and invites other evil drivers to come with it (pride, guilt, selfishness, etc.).

What is more gross?  Going free or living out who you're not?

We are all offered a choice.  It doesn't matter if you believe in God or not.  His rules still apply for your life.  His truth is still universal.

As it is stated in Jerimiah 17:5-6 (NIV) -- This is what the Lord says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength, and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.

This is what happens when we live out our Self-Created Identity, we find a lot of inner turmoil, shame and instability.  With this we grow insecure in our own creation of who we are and look to others to affirm our existence.  There is nothing more dangerous than living vicariously through other people's perceptions of you.  Just as there a a thousand differing views and opinions on every subject in the universe, there are also thousands of differing views and opinions on how you should live your life and who you should be.
If you are a nice guy/girl or a people pleaser, this leads to spinning a lot of plates, wearing a lot of hats, and burning yourself thin as to avoid any conflicts and to sell yourself a s a good person.  After a while you lose the core of your identity and don't even know who you are.  You feel empty and isolated, and live in lies of not feeling worthy enough and unlovable.  When I was asked who I was, and when I seriously considered the question, I always responded with, "I don't know."  That was a dark, sinking feeling.

20 something years old. No clue who I was. Lost.  Isolated. Alone.

Of course not everyone is a nice guy/girl or people pleaser.  There are people who love to isolate, push people away, get angry on a whim and need to control the whole world.  These people are content with being alone and bossy, although deep down they know they were made for deep, caring relationships.  Out of the friends they do have, they can only trust one or two, and only on a good day.  I don't really know what else to say about this type of relationship except we were created to be in relationship with others.  That is why God created men and women, and created them to live in Koinonia relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit (but this is a discussion for another time).

Humans were made for love.  Relationship.  Unity with the Creator.

Why is it so hard to live out who we were created to be?  Living like ourselves takes one courageous and bold choice.  One that requires integrity of being the same person, no matter who we are around or situation we're in, day in and day out.  It's a daily choice, just like breathing and going to work.  However, beyond this daily choice, it also means we give up what we know, and who we know.  We give up all of the rewards we have gained from living in our self-created identity.  We may lose friendships, we may lose family members, we may lose everything we thought we were about.  It leaves us vulnerable to a new way, an way not see, a way that is alien to our many years of living divided from God.  That can be really scary, and if we don't have ocean deep faith in our Creator, the one who is standing just across the way, beckoning to walk toward him even though the waves are too high and we can't always see him clearly, we can lose hope and faith very quickly.

Faith in the unseen saves!

Another reason why it's hard to live out who we are really supposed to be is when we do step out of the boat and strip ourselves of the shell we were living in, it requires 100% transparency and vulnerability with those we are closest too and to ourselves.  Of course this doesn't mean we share everything with everyone.  Not everyone needs to know everything, and discretion should still be used.  This is part of the grace and mercy that God extends to us through his guidance with the Holy Spirit in our lives.  Who needs to know and at what time will be revealed to you as you learn how to listen to God's voice and be obedient to His commands.

When was the last time you lied to yourself about something?

If you are always worried about your self-perception and controlling the messages and emotions that fly out of your body (or stay trapped), transparency and vulnerability can be very costly and almost suffocating.  You know what you are like inside and Satan will do all that he can to keep it within you.  He loves that you are isolated and alone and feeling full of shame.  He wants you to continue on your shame filled path.
What does it look like to go free?  Story of Jesus walking out to the disciples on the boat (our self created identity and "safety net") and Peter stepping out of the boat and losing faith in the water (torment) but yells out for him and is saved.  I was comfortable in the boat--my own self created identity of shame--, but when I stepped out I sank like a rock.  I went out on my own power believing I was following Christ.  I lived under water, allowing the torment  to rule my life for a year and a half out of fear, pride and lack of faith that Jesus is who he says he is, until I finally looked up at my savior and redeemer and he called me anyway.

Jesus wants us to step out of the boat.  He is on the other side of that wave that is crashing down upon us, the torment and shame that rules over our lives.  He is the only one who can get us through safely and heal our souls.  Of course it means we have to walk through the past wounds and torment, and that in itself is very painful, but when Jesus is reaching his hand out, guiding your footsteps and healing journey, overwhelming joy captivates your spirit and you no longer struggle on your own.  Instead you see your best friend and brother patiently waiting for you, beckoning you to draw near and to keep your eyes on him.  It's not easy, and you will feel a lot of pain and sorrow, but I truly believe it is the pain and sorrow that heal.  No longer trapped by your self created pain and Earthly sorrow, but freed by the pains and moans of the spirit (Romans) and by the Godly Sorrow of repentance.

Step out of the boat.  Live as dependent as you really are on God.  The healing is worth it!

I still don't have it all figured out.  This is a lifelong process of purifying and learning how to live the life God intended you to, but the less I hold onto my self created identity and learn how to live congruent and with integrity in all of my relationships as I grow into my God Created Identity.  The more I learn about who I am the more the fire refines my body, spirit and soul, and the more I crave His will for my life and His truth about who I am.  However, I still need vulnerability and transparency in relationships, because this is one of the keys of growing.  In order to keep shame out I need to keep my life open and looking for help from my loving and trustworthy community.

Vulnerable.  Transparent.  But not alone.

What's so dangerous about living in our own identity?  If we continue to live out our self created identity, one that can waiver and be pushed around like a leaf in the wind, we live a dangerous life of never having solid footing and truly knowing peace through knowing who we are.

We live with a heart divided.

When we live with a divided heart, with a fleeting heart, not secure in our identity in Christ, we share the same heart and soul as those who glorified Jesus on Palm Sunday and yelled, "Crucify Him!!" only five days later.  When we live in our self created identity, we crucify Christ!

But if you life out who God created you to be, the second part of the passage comes alive!  When we live out our God Created Identities, we become strengthened in who we are and planted in the confidence that dwells within our creator!  Jeremiah 17:7-8 states this so clearly, "But blessed in the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought, and never fails to bear fruit."

So please take this message to heart.  This is probably the most important blog you will ever read if you want to lead a solid, congruent life of integrity.  I can't stress enough how much my heart aches for those who don't know who they are, and I just want to cry out for everyone who doesn't know the freedom you receive when you go free from the inner turmoil that holds you in your self created identity.

Jesus sums it up so well in Matthew 5 (13-16, 48):

¹³"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.
 ^14-16"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven."
[...]
⁴⁸"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."

We are kingdom subjects.  Everyone who chooses Christ.  Salt of the earth.  Live out your God-created identity.

I love you,

Ken

PS:  For an even more in depth reading on Shame and how it effects your identity pick up a copy of my good friend Grant Schultz's book Pure.

My Travels to Joppa

So how did I end up in Joppa?  It started at a service at Brazos Fellowship.  I don't exactly remember the time frame, but I'm guessing it was my 2nd year at Texas A&M University.  Pastor Will was talking about the holding patterns of life, and how it seems like sometimes you get stuck waiting to land to begin your new journey that God is calling you to, but for some reason you just can't land.  You get stuck circling the runway in eager anticipation to get off the plane!

As a "reborn" Christian, that made a lot of sense to me.  My whole life felt like one holding pattern.  At this time I was attending graduate school, anticipating starting a new life and what was around the next corner, living 1,300 miles from home.  It was no wonder life felt unnerving and full of anxiety, full of wanting to know when it would be safe to land.  To find out that holding patterns of a spiritual walk and life are normal, I began to ease my tensions and realize that there was a plan for me.

There is a plan.  It's a perfect plan.  It's God's plan.  We get to patiently wait and anticipate.

Of course, life didn't turn out the way I had planned it.  I graduated with my Masters Degree, moved back home when I swore I'd never live in Wisconsin again, lived in my parents garage, got a position as an AmeriCorps*VISTA making $8,500 a year, became severely depressed as I felt like a huge failure.  Then I met Chalsea and fell in love, and starting going to Valleybrook Church, where my walk became strengthened, but I still felt stuck in a holding pattern.  I was still living between two worlds.

As these unexpected twists and turns developed, I ended up at a Valleybrook Church service where Matt and Doug were teaching about Joppa and Peter's time there.  The Book of Acts is very interesting when you break it down verse by verse in a timeline.  Two verses can take 2 years and then, 15 verses can take 3 hours.  Peter's stay in Joppa was 2 years, but if you didn't know the timeline you would miss that fact.

Kosher Peter in Joppa for 2 years.  Learning all about the Gentiles and their culture.  Beginning to see the love and dream that was created for them.

Peter was completely filled with Dunamis power previous to his stay in Joppa.  He was unlocking the Holy Spirit everywhere he went, performing signs, wonders and miracles.  The guy was a walking Miracle Machine and people were being set free and living a life they never dreamed possible.  Then he came to Joppa where he sat at Simon the Tanners house for 2 full years.  A man who was on fire for moving the Gospel of Christ throughout the world was put in a holding pattern by God for 2 years, and in all places, probably the most Jewish ceremonially unclean dwelling possible.  He lived with a man who tanned hides of all sorts of animals, and definitely didn't follow the Kosher practices for preparing the animal.

Makes you realize your short term "holding pattern" isn't quite so disastrous.

The truth is Peter needed a break.  Peter was a living, growing, breathing human being just like you and I.  He was allowing himself to be completely led by the Holy Spirit, all in with God, no Plan B, and he needed supernatural rest to prepare him for the next adventure.  God's Plan B for us is Joppa.  When he has used us to completely fulfill the current Plan A, he switches to Plan B--rest, supernatural rest, to recharge, refocus and recommit yourself to Christ.

That only happens when you're living "All In".

I didn't realize this.  I thought I was living all in for Christ.  I thought I was obedient.  I thought I deserved more and better life, more than I ever imagined.  I was terribly mistaken.  I had given my eternal life over to him, but I didn't give my whole live over.  I still clung onto my ways, my feet firmly and stubbornly grounded in the lifestyle I chose to live.  I was holding onto the rubbish and baggage of my past and not letting go.  I didn't understand what an "All In" lifestyle meant.  I was serving two masters; therefore, serving one.

My soul was being suffocated.  Again.

As Proverbs 26:11-12 is quick to point out, I was like a dog who returns to its vomit, I was a fool repeating my folly.  I was a person wise in my own eyes.  There was more hope for a fool than for me.  I had made myself into my own God, thinking I knew better than him.  I was arrogant, and I had created an idol out of my life.  I deserved better.  I had a master's degree!!!  I should be making $50k/year like all my friends.

My divided life was dog vomit.  Consumed in anger, pride and entitlement.  I went back for more.

No wonder my life quickly spiraled downward, even faster than before.  Torment and tumultuous battles raged within my soul.  My life was at a standstill until I would choose to come off my stubborn-necked ways.  I was brash enough to call it a "holding pattern".  I thought it was God holding me back.  I could see my dreams, I could see what I wanted, but God was responsible for not giving it to me when I wanted it and how I wanted it.  I wanted two masters.  I wanted to continue my Sunday ritual of cleansing, so I could defile what I had Monday through Saturday.

The grace of God extended my growth and learning about him, even among my disobedience and living off his path and his will.  That in itself is a miracle.  But God was so patient and kind, Jesus being bigger than my life of two masters, that they waited till I kicked and screamed myself out, until I was out of rope and out of breath.  That's when they rushed in and saved me.

I wasn't in Joppa.  I wasn't in a holding pattern.  Not even at the airport.  I was still at the travel agent booking my flight.

My travel toward Joppa started on Monday, September 26, 2011, when I was faced with going deep, all in and seeing how dark, empty and gross my high-roller lifestyle left me.  I had to face my deepest sins and wounds.  I had to make the decision to let it all go and to show everyone who I really was and what I was really up to.  All the while God was right there telling me I had to be 100% transparent, to tell everything, no matter how weird or dark, or else I was going to die.

I was already dead.  Either way I died.  That night I chose to die to myself for Christ.  I finally booked my ticket to Joppa.

My travel to the airport and travel agent at the gate was probably the hardest time of my life.  However, for the first time I was fully alive, ready to experience my life to the fullest.  I understand what it is to be joyful in all circumstances (Philippians), because my whole world was crashing down, and all I was doing was praising Jesus!

I had arrived to the airport, had my ticket and was ready to go through security.  One final look at what was hidden within my soul.  Pastor Doug was my TSA agent, and he ordered a full out x-ray/body scan search of everything inside of my heart.  I was cut and exposed by the grace of God, and by the consuming love of God it was all burned away.  Pastor Doug made me realize that this was a turning point.  I could continue living in two worlds with a divided heart, or I could live life undivided, all in with Christ.  I chose all in!  I am forever grateful for Pastor Doug and the Valleybrook staff for seeing who I was created to be.

My heart was undivided.  One Master.  One Plan.  Eternal Life.  Baptism by Fire.

As I arrived in Joppa, where I currently am at this present day, a whole new life was laid out in front of my eyes.  I could see with clarity where I had been and where I'm to go.  Now I sit in eager anticipation, joyfully awaiting to get back up in the air to my next adventure.  But I am not dreading the wait, I no longer HATE living in Eau Claire [living in Eau Claire for me was hellish at first--the only thing that kept me here besides Chalsea was Valleybrook Church and for good reason].  I can go to Superior without feeling the dread of the life and soul sucking force that rules that city and the dread and longing of returning to my divided ways.  I can be with my friends no matter where they live, connected in Koinonia fellowship and Agape love through the Dunamis power of the Holy Spirit.  I am content with where I'm at but not stuck.  Eagerly anticipating how God's will for my life will use me next.

My new adventure is about to begin.  I'm ready.  Are you ready for yours?

I love you,

Ken

Boldly entering my new life

Boldness.

Where did this come from?  Why am I choosing to speak out now?  Truth is, I have always been meant to carry this type of boldness with me, from a young child on.  Instead of living the Dunamis power out, I stuffed it behind a cloak of shame and guilt.  It was no one's fault, I just felt awkward knowing what I knew, and every time I would tell someone of the good news I would face ridicule and persecution.  So I quit speaking what came to mind, buttoned up and numbed out to who I was created to be.

I grew up with a lot of shame and guilt.  I was always the type of child who was always picked on.  Gullible was a good term, but at times I did bring it on myself.  I was a teachers pet, an "A" student with an even larger appetite for correcting people and judgement.  If I saw something that wasn't right I'd let the person know or tattle.  Of course, I didn't enjoy the consequences of tattling, so eventually I quit speaking up and just learned how to behave on my own.

Perfect image.  Hollow character.  Always on "cue".

I was a well behaved boy, who was kind to others and never spoke out against anyone.  I did have a heart for people and their issues, and often times my classmates would come to me for advice.  I never understood why or how people could see the light in me or seek me for wisdom, but I went with it because it made me feel good.  Like I was fulfilling a higher need.  I would do the best I could with having limited experiences, and it always seemed to comfort those in need.  However, when I would see a classmate screw up, I always had the "correct response" of judgement and rebuke to get them back on track, never allowing anyone to fail.  If someone would fail, I would take offense to it and probably to them as well.  I quickly became isolated and alone.  I remember in fifth grade I defined myself as "Weird, but in a good way."  If there is such a thing.

Of course feeling shame and guilt in social isolation with a judging heart isn't a good place to be.  I did not want to turn to anyone because of what they might say back to me, so my feelings became invalidated, especially if they weren't "manly" feelings or if they were feelings reflecting the sin in my life.  I was also afraid to turn to God because he was a vengeful creator who would smite people if they acted out.  Scary stuff to a ten-year-old.  Jesus was always my buddy, so I could always confide in him, but that just added confusion to how the "three-in-one" system worked.  So I compartmentalized things and the trinity lost its power.  I would go to God for the big stuff and Jesus for forgiveness.

God was to be feared.  Jesus was revered.  The Holy Spirit was the glue.

My classmates and I would never talk about God or Jesus together, even though a lot of my friends went to church.  I remember talking to a girl about her confirmation class and it was so foreign to me.  Other kids would talk about Sunday school, and I loved school, so I wanted to go, too, but I went to church where no one else in my class went to, so I felt special but also alone.

Full of wisdom.  Judgmental.  Alone.

So that's how I grew up.  Living timid, and scared to talk to people about the good news Jesus proclaimed.  It was big deal to talk about Jesus to others, and most of the conversations I grew up with about Jesus to those who didn't go to my church turned into big arguments about the bible and interpretations, so I learned not to go there.  My light went out.

Until God saved me from my distress a few months ago.  I uncovered my secret world of shame and guilt, the one that was killing me slowly from added weight and pressure of being found out.  It was destroying me, I was at the end of my rope, and God gave me a way out.  I let people into places they never knew existed, and in that vulnerability I learned who I was.  Then a miracle happened.

Broken.  Wounded.  Bleeding out.  Dependent on my Savior.  Made new by his grace.

The Dunamis power of baptisma (baptism) by fire (from the Greek noun Βάπτισμα baptisma), overtook my body and my bleeding conscious had become cleansed.  I had been outwardly baptized before, twice, once as a child then later in life when I came to know Christ again, but my internal world was still a mess.  On that day, listening to the Dream Again series from Valleybrook and another series about baptism from Liquid Church, I felt this power overtake my soul and my heart began to burn for Christ and his healing began within me.

Once you have been hit by the Dunamis conviction of Christ's baptism, there is no going back.  The taste of his goodness and love is too strong.  What used to be a Sunday task, now became my daily mission out of a choice of obedience to him.  It took on the urgency of needing to know him and share him with others like never before, and allowing him to heal my heart and past wounds.

Intentional living for Christ.  I died, he lived through me.

I learned the difference between Earthly humility and humbleness and Godly humility and humbleness.  To open myself up in an all in plan with God, to allow myself to be vulnerable and let God heal all the stink inside--to transform my trailer park image of a heart (as was discussed in my introduction), was the most humbling experience of my life.  The only way I got there was through allowing humility to enter my presence and see how small and arrogant I really was toward my creator.  Where I thought I was humble and showed humility before, now I realized it was pride and arrogance.  To truly be humble is to see yourself for who you really are, and allow Christ's healing powers to show you to to walk in obedience and humility with him as you travel on the Earth, living as dependent on God as you really are.

This all came to total fruition on a weekend trip.  What was supposed to be a trip to visit a couple Chaslea and I love to death turned out to become a Spirit filled journey of showing people how desperate I was and how lost I was and how the power of Jesus saved me from eternal death.  Everyone I talked to that weekend noticed a change, and it seems like every conversation was Christ centered in some shape or form.  God revealed to me that I had nothing to fear anymore and to go for it!

Go for it I did!  Only through Dunamis power and living dependent on God.

No Plan B.  Spirit Driven.  Intentional living.

Start living your life today!  That is my prayer for you!  Don't be intimidated by others, and live the life God created you to have!

I love you,

Ken