Boldness.
Where did this come from? Why am I choosing to speak out now? Truth is, I have always been meant to carry this type of boldness with me, from a young child on. Instead of living the Dunamis power out, I stuffed it behind a cloak of shame and guilt. It was no one's fault, I just felt awkward knowing what I knew, and every time I would tell someone of the good news I would face ridicule and persecution. So I quit speaking what came to mind, buttoned up and numbed out to who I was created to be.
I grew up with a lot of shame and guilt. I was always the type of child who was always picked on. Gullible was a good term, but at times I did bring it on myself. I was a teachers pet, an "A" student with an even larger appetite for correcting people and judgement. If I saw something that wasn't right I'd let the person know or tattle. Of course, I didn't enjoy the consequences of tattling, so eventually I quit speaking up and just learned how to behave on my own.
Perfect image. Hollow character. Always on "cue".
I was a well behaved boy, who was kind to others and never spoke out against anyone. I did have a heart for people and their issues, and often times my classmates would come to me for advice. I never understood why or how people could see the light in me or seek me for wisdom, but I went with it because it made me feel good. Like I was fulfilling a higher need. I would do the best I could with having limited experiences, and it always seemed to comfort those in need. However, when I would see a classmate screw up, I always had the "correct response" of judgement and rebuke to get them back on track, never allowing anyone to fail. If someone would fail, I would take offense to it and probably to them as well. I quickly became isolated and alone. I remember in fifth grade I defined myself as "Weird, but in a good way." If there is such a thing.
Of course feeling shame and guilt in social isolation with a judging heart isn't a good place to be. I did not want to turn to anyone because of what they might say back to me, so my feelings became invalidated, especially if they weren't "manly" feelings or if they were feelings reflecting the sin in my life. I was also afraid to turn to God because he was a vengeful creator who would smite people if they acted out. Scary stuff to a ten-year-old. Jesus was always my buddy, so I could always confide in him, but that just added confusion to how the "three-in-one" system worked. So I compartmentalized things and the trinity lost its power. I would go to God for the big stuff and Jesus for forgiveness.
God was to be feared. Jesus was revered. The Holy Spirit was the glue.
My classmates and I would never talk about God or Jesus together, even though a lot of my friends went to church. I remember talking to a girl about her confirmation class and it was so foreign to me. Other kids would talk about Sunday school, and I loved school, so I wanted to go, too, but I went to church where no one else in my class went to, so I felt special but also alone.
Full of wisdom. Judgmental. Alone.
So that's how I grew up. Living timid, and scared to talk to people about the good news Jesus proclaimed. It was big deal to talk about Jesus to others, and most of the conversations I grew up with about Jesus to those who didn't go to my church turned into big arguments about the bible and interpretations, so I learned not to go there. My light went out.
Until God saved me from my distress a few months ago. I uncovered my secret world of shame and guilt, the one that was killing me slowly from added weight and pressure of being found out. It was destroying me, I was at the end of my rope, and God gave me a way out. I let people into places they never knew existed, and in that vulnerability I learned who I was. Then a miracle happened.
Broken. Wounded. Bleeding out. Dependent on my Savior. Made new by his grace.
The Dunamis power of baptisma (baptism) by fire (from the Greek noun Βάπτισμα baptisma), overtook my body and my bleeding conscious had become cleansed. I had been outwardly baptized before, twice, once as a child then later in life when I came to know Christ again, but my internal world was still a mess. On that day, listening to the Dream Again series from Valleybrook and another series about baptism from Liquid Church, I felt this power overtake my soul and my heart began to burn for Christ and his healing began within me.
Once you have been hit by the Dunamis conviction of Christ's baptism, there is no going back. The taste of his goodness and love is too strong. What used to be a Sunday task, now became my daily mission out of a choice of obedience to him. It took on the urgency of needing to know him and share him with others like never before, and allowing him to heal my heart and past wounds.
Intentional living for Christ. I died, he lived through me.
I learned the difference between Earthly humility and humbleness and Godly humility and humbleness. To open myself up in an all in plan with God, to allow myself to be vulnerable and let God heal all the stink inside--to transform my trailer park image of a heart (as was discussed in my introduction), was the most humbling experience of my life. The only way I got there was through allowing humility to enter my presence and see how small and arrogant I really was toward my creator. Where I thought I was humble and showed humility before, now I realized it was pride and arrogance. To truly be humble is to see yourself for who you really are, and allow Christ's healing powers to show you to to walk in obedience and humility with him as you travel on the Earth, living as dependent on God as you really are.
This all came to total fruition on a weekend trip. What was supposed to be a trip to visit a couple Chaslea and I love to death turned out to become a Spirit filled journey of showing people how desperate I was and how lost I was and how the power of Jesus saved me from eternal death. Everyone I talked to that weekend noticed a change, and it seems like every conversation was Christ centered in some shape or form. God revealed to me that I had nothing to fear anymore and to go for it!
Go for it I did! Only through Dunamis power and living dependent on God.
No Plan B. Spirit Driven. Intentional living.
Start living your life today! That is my prayer for you! Don't be intimidated by others, and live the life God created you to have!
I love you,
Ken
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