Legacy of Choice (as originally appeared on Facebook)

This was the note I posted on Facebook a while ago.  I feel it is a good fit for the blog.  I don't know when my next blog is going to come, but I may post things like this or even songs or scripture that inspires me along the way.

Prologue (3/12/11):

For those who have been close to me over these past six months (and now for those who are new to this conversation--thank you for letting me volunteer you as a "tag"), you know I have been on an incredible healing journey, not only for myself but for my wife as well.  Part of this journey is finding out who I was created to be and how I can share that with the world.  I am to live a life without fear of persecution.  This has always bothered me growing up because if you are persecuted that means people will know the real you, and what you really stand for.  I lived a life growing up feeling a lot of fear, shame and guilt for who I was and what I have done, even if I hadn't done anything.  So for me to write what I'm writing now and to share what I wrote on 11/27/11, two months almost to the day after my story came out and my true healing began, and to not have any fear of persecution  is a sign, wonder and miracle in itself, all through the glory of the living Christ Jesus, my redeemer, mediator and advocate, who dwells in my heart and soul.  I write and share all of this because I love you, and you all need to hear what I wrote on that chilly November morning when I was at home instead of hunting in Cloverland, Wisconsin.

The context behind what I wrote is we've been studying Hebrews at Valleybrook Church.  Hebrews is a sermon that was given to a bunch of reformed Jews of the time.  No one knows who the actual "author" of Hebrews is, though there is a lot of speculation.  The really cool this about Hebrews is watching the Old Testament and New Testament come alive and merge all the history of the OT into the, at that time, emerging truth of the NT.  The biggest "theme" of Hebrews is teaching the Jews of the day how to actually inherit the Legacy of God through what his son, Jesus, did for the entire world.  So that is where the title, "Legacy of Choice" and a lot of my references come from.

Also, that morning I felt really sure on my heart that I would have to share announcements at church that morning (something I never have done at Valleybrook, nor has anyone ever suggested), but in obedience to what the Holy Spirit was prodding me to do (in that same obedience I type now), I wrote and that is why it's set up to the Valleybrook congregation that morning.  I didn't share the message with the church that morning, as when I was driving there it was revealed to me that I wouldn't have to...just writing it down was enough because God was going to use it at a later time.  OK enough set up--

11/27/11
Legacy of Choice

God, you are the everlasting God.  You have provided us a living promise of a legacy that we don't deserve but are fully thankful for.  Your grace and love toward us are truly remarkable and have forever humbled us as your chosen followers.  You, Jesus, are the ultimate redemption toward our sin and ultimate death.  We ask you to fill this room (and I ask him now to fill your heart as you read this) with your Holy Spirit, to bless our eyes, ears and hearts and prepare our our souls to truly see, hear and feel what you have in store for us today.  We ask for your blessing and protection from distraction as we sit in fellowship and worship you, as you reveal yourself to us.  In your mighty name, Jesus, Amen!

[At this time announcements would be given, and as was happening at this point, the announcer would share a bit of what was going on in their life/heart (usually Greg Mitchell, lead overseer, would be doing the announcements) at this time.  So this is what God revealed that I was to share]...

As I was lying in bed this morning, I tried to recollect the teaching from last week.  I couldn't remember!  Do you know how embarrassing that is!!  However, God started filling me with memories of the past week of how he was transforming my life through the message -- of how all the choices I have made over the past week have been cutting and exposing my heart and healing and freedom have been setting in.  Then it hit me -- head and heart knowledge -- it's time we quit living a life that separates the two.  We live in a higher accountability to God because we know what God expects of us!
James says that to know what to do an not do it is sin!  Think about that -- to know what to do and not do it is sin!

That seems like an awful lot of pressure, doesn't it?  When we live for God out of love and obedience and the willingness to choose him time and again, the pressure is off!  When we commit ourselves to God and his grace for us, we choose freedom!  A freedom that we get to inherit through Christ's triumph on the cross and resurrection over sin and death!

To choose -- that appears to me at least to be the cornerstone of Wounded Heart and Pure.  We can choose to go all in and receive God's grace, mercy, love and freedom through healing, or we can choose to live in the world, live with our crippling wounds, live with our crippling addition to lust, porn, work, alcohol, drugs, pride, shame, fear, selfishness, you name it.  Paul's warnings are clear in Romans, Chapter 6:1a: "Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?  By no means!  We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?"

CHOICE!  One of my biggest sins is to play the "What If" Game: what if this, that, another thing, here, there--picked this job, that job--lived then with what I know now, etc.  STOP IT!  Stop it!

God revealed to me this morning that part of his legacy includes his will for our life and the intimacy we gain from that to reveal his glory.

Look at Samson (or Sampson).  This dude had unreal strength and promise in his life.  God still used him to destroy Israel's enemies even though Samson chose a heart of the world through lust and defiling of his body--chasing after Philistine and other gentile women.  He ended up a blind, rageful man, but still God used him to bring down the entire Philistine elite.

My wife was reading about Abe Lincoln's life and presidency.  Here is a man that God used to unite the Union, free slaves and start one of the United State's and possibly world's largest civil rights movements; yet, he was severely depressed!  Why?  He didn't believe in the afterlife.  No Jesus.  As James states, what is work without faith?

What more could Lincoln and Samson have done if they chose life instead of death?

We still get a choice!  It's time to quit hiding in the shadows of grace and to start fulling living BOLDLY in the life that Christ died for!  As I will paraphrase James: Today we choose joy!  A promise for living a life in Jesus and freedom, if we choose it -- if we live a life with our head and hearts connected!

Let's pray.  God, we so desperately desire your legacy of choice, freedom and intimate will for our lives.  You knew of us before creation, knew all of our individual sins and our hearts, and you still love us!  Nothing shocks you no matter how dark and brooding our hearts.  Jesus, today we choose to live our lives in you, to choose you, no matter the risk it means to us!  It is all for your glory.  Lord, where you go, we'll go, where you move, we'll move, where you stay, we'll stay.  We will follow you because we love you and so desire your intimacy.  The same intimacy that David shared with you--as a man after your heart.  We desire you, Lord.  In your glory and honor Jesus, thank you!

Amen.

Epilogue:

I never got to share that message, but as it turns out, that was exactly the message Nita Bukowski shared with us that day in her sermon entitled, "Sure of Better Things."  It was all about choosing God and inheriting his promise for our lives.  Nita opened with Heb 6:4-12, and in summary it shows that we get to inherit all of God's promises -- when we inherit a promise, it lives in you.

Nita went onto teach that all promises come through faith and patience.  Faith is believing in what is unseen, as it sees the unseen, and patience is the ability to endure and preserve as we wait for God's will to be revealed in our lives.  These together help us equip our inherited promise.

At the end of my notes from that day I reflected the following: "Wow, I need this--felt so many times this week through torment and tried going back to the 'house of rebellion' because I was growing impatient with God's plan, but I still need more Character building.  His promise is so big it's worth the wait.  He wants us to be completely ready for his promises to come into reality--unlike Samson and Lincoln."

Thank you for reading this note.  I hope you lock it into your heart and let God use it as he will in your life, as he has used it to shape and form my healing and God Created Identity.  Thanks and glory to God for loving us even in our darkest hour and giving us a way out of certain death and separation from him for eternity through his son Jesus!  Pass it on to those you love!  I'm sorry if  I missed a tag to this note!  Truth is power and power sets us free!  Also, I am not a perfect guy, far from it, but Christ is making me more like him every day through redemption, grace and his mercy!

I love you!

Ken

Learning to Go Free

This blog took a while to create.  I was somewhat disappointed that I wasn't able to keep up with the "daily" blogs, but God had such a more amazing plan behind it.  The journey just to get to this point has been amazing and even after taking a few days, is more and better than I had dreamed.  Enjoy...

Living free in your own life.  You would think this is easy.  Being you should be the most natural thing in the world...after all you are you, right?  Have you ever thought of that?  Learning to life free as you?  This means living in a world of not being constrained by other peoples' impressions and ideas of who you need to be, not allowing culture to tell you what is acceptable or how you should act, not trying to please everyone and having everyone like you.  This means allowing yourself the grace to mess up sometimes and allowing other people to make mistakes, and not taking it personally.

This means living free of filtering everything we see and hear of what we think is being said or seen through our own perception and past wounds --always looking for that hidden agenda or message.  The hidden message or agenda of when is the other shoe going to drop, or what is that person really up to, or this person is here for me now, but when are they going to bail like everyone else?

You're worthless.  No one really feels that way about me.  What do they really want?

Living free means learning how to love people and let them into your heart.  It means taking down your walls of protection and getting to know others at their level and at your level.  That may mean you need to break down some toughness or bring your guard down just a bit to let people in.  Maybe you need to dig deep and heal some past hurts that have put you in your isolated shell.  It means feeling more emotion than frustration and anger.

At first going free from either way seems vulnerable and gross when you think about it.  We begin to like who everyone else sees us as, even if it goes against our core nature of who God created us to be.  We are rewarded for pleasing everyone even if it means we become hollow on the inside.  We get rewarded for being everyone's friend, but not letting anyone know who we are.  We get rewarded by pushing people away and isolating by developing a tough external shell.  We get rewarded by living in our shame based identity.

By living in shame we crave more sin, which leads to more numbing shame, so we reach for more sin thinking that it will help medicate our shame, but instead we bring on more shame, so we sin more, seeking relief but never finding it.  For example, one may be a workaholic, never spending time fostering real relationships or time with his family.  To medicate this shame of never being home, he buys really cool things with money he really doesn't have, so he needs to work more hours.  These hours start to become a burden on him and strain his relationships, so instead of rushing home after work, he runs to the bar.  This brings more shame.  The bar was supposed to help medicate his inadequacies of not having an intimate family and being in debt, but instead it just increased his shame level.  So when he goes home, drunk, he and his wife argue.  This leads to even more separation.  To ease his anxiety levels of not being in a loving relationship with his wife, he turns to porn and his hand for relief.  Defiling himself, he feels more shame, so he goes back to work to pay off the debt to keep his family close to buy cool things.

In the end, we get rewarded by living the standard that culture demands, even if it means compromising our morals.  Anything to not have to feel negative emotions, to push people away, to numb out, or to make a new friend, right?

Get it? 

I could go on more about shame but for this writing the basic thing you need to understand about shame is that it was created by God to get us back onto his path and will for our life.   Shame, when seen and processed correctly, is a good thing.  It's that quick sting to the conscious that makes us realized we sinned, we feel the mourn over what we have done (Godly sorrow) and move back into God's plan for our life.  Godly shame.  Shame turns ugly when we stuff it, believe the lies it is telling us (you're not good enough, you're a liar, you're a fake, no one really loves you, you're worthless, etc.), let it control us and let it drive us deeper into sin and more shame.  This is called counterfeit shame because it completely destroys the Godly shame in our life and replaces it with a bleeding conscious that can only feel guilt and despair, so we reach for things that medicate us instead of toward God who can cure us.  That's when shame completely takes over in our self-created identity and invites other evil drivers to come with it (pride, guilt, selfishness, etc.).

What is more gross?  Going free or living out who you're not?

We are all offered a choice.  It doesn't matter if you believe in God or not.  His rules still apply for your life.  His truth is still universal.

As it is stated in Jerimiah 17:5-6 (NIV) -- This is what the Lord says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength, and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.

This is what happens when we live out our Self-Created Identity, we find a lot of inner turmoil, shame and instability.  With this we grow insecure in our own creation of who we are and look to others to affirm our existence.  There is nothing more dangerous than living vicariously through other people's perceptions of you.  Just as there a a thousand differing views and opinions on every subject in the universe, there are also thousands of differing views and opinions on how you should live your life and who you should be.
If you are a nice guy/girl or a people pleaser, this leads to spinning a lot of plates, wearing a lot of hats, and burning yourself thin as to avoid any conflicts and to sell yourself a s a good person.  After a while you lose the core of your identity and don't even know who you are.  You feel empty and isolated, and live in lies of not feeling worthy enough and unlovable.  When I was asked who I was, and when I seriously considered the question, I always responded with, "I don't know."  That was a dark, sinking feeling.

20 something years old. No clue who I was. Lost.  Isolated. Alone.

Of course not everyone is a nice guy/girl or people pleaser.  There are people who love to isolate, push people away, get angry on a whim and need to control the whole world.  These people are content with being alone and bossy, although deep down they know they were made for deep, caring relationships.  Out of the friends they do have, they can only trust one or two, and only on a good day.  I don't really know what else to say about this type of relationship except we were created to be in relationship with others.  That is why God created men and women, and created them to live in Koinonia relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit (but this is a discussion for another time).

Humans were made for love.  Relationship.  Unity with the Creator.

Why is it so hard to live out who we were created to be?  Living like ourselves takes one courageous and bold choice.  One that requires integrity of being the same person, no matter who we are around or situation we're in, day in and day out.  It's a daily choice, just like breathing and going to work.  However, beyond this daily choice, it also means we give up what we know, and who we know.  We give up all of the rewards we have gained from living in our self-created identity.  We may lose friendships, we may lose family members, we may lose everything we thought we were about.  It leaves us vulnerable to a new way, an way not see, a way that is alien to our many years of living divided from God.  That can be really scary, and if we don't have ocean deep faith in our Creator, the one who is standing just across the way, beckoning to walk toward him even though the waves are too high and we can't always see him clearly, we can lose hope and faith very quickly.

Faith in the unseen saves!

Another reason why it's hard to live out who we are really supposed to be is when we do step out of the boat and strip ourselves of the shell we were living in, it requires 100% transparency and vulnerability with those we are closest too and to ourselves.  Of course this doesn't mean we share everything with everyone.  Not everyone needs to know everything, and discretion should still be used.  This is part of the grace and mercy that God extends to us through his guidance with the Holy Spirit in our lives.  Who needs to know and at what time will be revealed to you as you learn how to listen to God's voice and be obedient to His commands.

When was the last time you lied to yourself about something?

If you are always worried about your self-perception and controlling the messages and emotions that fly out of your body (or stay trapped), transparency and vulnerability can be very costly and almost suffocating.  You know what you are like inside and Satan will do all that he can to keep it within you.  He loves that you are isolated and alone and feeling full of shame.  He wants you to continue on your shame filled path.
What does it look like to go free?  Story of Jesus walking out to the disciples on the boat (our self created identity and "safety net") and Peter stepping out of the boat and losing faith in the water (torment) but yells out for him and is saved.  I was comfortable in the boat--my own self created identity of shame--, but when I stepped out I sank like a rock.  I went out on my own power believing I was following Christ.  I lived under water, allowing the torment  to rule my life for a year and a half out of fear, pride and lack of faith that Jesus is who he says he is, until I finally looked up at my savior and redeemer and he called me anyway.

Jesus wants us to step out of the boat.  He is on the other side of that wave that is crashing down upon us, the torment and shame that rules over our lives.  He is the only one who can get us through safely and heal our souls.  Of course it means we have to walk through the past wounds and torment, and that in itself is very painful, but when Jesus is reaching his hand out, guiding your footsteps and healing journey, overwhelming joy captivates your spirit and you no longer struggle on your own.  Instead you see your best friend and brother patiently waiting for you, beckoning you to draw near and to keep your eyes on him.  It's not easy, and you will feel a lot of pain and sorrow, but I truly believe it is the pain and sorrow that heal.  No longer trapped by your self created pain and Earthly sorrow, but freed by the pains and moans of the spirit (Romans) and by the Godly Sorrow of repentance.

Step out of the boat.  Live as dependent as you really are on God.  The healing is worth it!

I still don't have it all figured out.  This is a lifelong process of purifying and learning how to live the life God intended you to, but the less I hold onto my self created identity and learn how to live congruent and with integrity in all of my relationships as I grow into my God Created Identity.  The more I learn about who I am the more the fire refines my body, spirit and soul, and the more I crave His will for my life and His truth about who I am.  However, I still need vulnerability and transparency in relationships, because this is one of the keys of growing.  In order to keep shame out I need to keep my life open and looking for help from my loving and trustworthy community.

Vulnerable.  Transparent.  But not alone.

What's so dangerous about living in our own identity?  If we continue to live out our self created identity, one that can waiver and be pushed around like a leaf in the wind, we live a dangerous life of never having solid footing and truly knowing peace through knowing who we are.

We live with a heart divided.

When we live with a divided heart, with a fleeting heart, not secure in our identity in Christ, we share the same heart and soul as those who glorified Jesus on Palm Sunday and yelled, "Crucify Him!!" only five days later.  When we live in our self created identity, we crucify Christ!

But if you life out who God created you to be, the second part of the passage comes alive!  When we live out our God Created Identities, we become strengthened in who we are and planted in the confidence that dwells within our creator!  Jeremiah 17:7-8 states this so clearly, "But blessed in the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought, and never fails to bear fruit."

So please take this message to heart.  This is probably the most important blog you will ever read if you want to lead a solid, congruent life of integrity.  I can't stress enough how much my heart aches for those who don't know who they are, and I just want to cry out for everyone who doesn't know the freedom you receive when you go free from the inner turmoil that holds you in your self created identity.

Jesus sums it up so well in Matthew 5 (13-16, 48):

¹³"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.
 ^14-16"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven."
[...]
⁴⁸"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."

We are kingdom subjects.  Everyone who chooses Christ.  Salt of the earth.  Live out your God-created identity.

I love you,

Ken

PS:  For an even more in depth reading on Shame and how it effects your identity pick up a copy of my good friend Grant Schultz's book Pure.

My Travels to Joppa

So how did I end up in Joppa?  It started at a service at Brazos Fellowship.  I don't exactly remember the time frame, but I'm guessing it was my 2nd year at Texas A&M University.  Pastor Will was talking about the holding patterns of life, and how it seems like sometimes you get stuck waiting to land to begin your new journey that God is calling you to, but for some reason you just can't land.  You get stuck circling the runway in eager anticipation to get off the plane!

As a "reborn" Christian, that made a lot of sense to me.  My whole life felt like one holding pattern.  At this time I was attending graduate school, anticipating starting a new life and what was around the next corner, living 1,300 miles from home.  It was no wonder life felt unnerving and full of anxiety, full of wanting to know when it would be safe to land.  To find out that holding patterns of a spiritual walk and life are normal, I began to ease my tensions and realize that there was a plan for me.

There is a plan.  It's a perfect plan.  It's God's plan.  We get to patiently wait and anticipate.

Of course, life didn't turn out the way I had planned it.  I graduated with my Masters Degree, moved back home when I swore I'd never live in Wisconsin again, lived in my parents garage, got a position as an AmeriCorps*VISTA making $8,500 a year, became severely depressed as I felt like a huge failure.  Then I met Chalsea and fell in love, and starting going to Valleybrook Church, where my walk became strengthened, but I still felt stuck in a holding pattern.  I was still living between two worlds.

As these unexpected twists and turns developed, I ended up at a Valleybrook Church service where Matt and Doug were teaching about Joppa and Peter's time there.  The Book of Acts is very interesting when you break it down verse by verse in a timeline.  Two verses can take 2 years and then, 15 verses can take 3 hours.  Peter's stay in Joppa was 2 years, but if you didn't know the timeline you would miss that fact.

Kosher Peter in Joppa for 2 years.  Learning all about the Gentiles and their culture.  Beginning to see the love and dream that was created for them.

Peter was completely filled with Dunamis power previous to his stay in Joppa.  He was unlocking the Holy Spirit everywhere he went, performing signs, wonders and miracles.  The guy was a walking Miracle Machine and people were being set free and living a life they never dreamed possible.  Then he came to Joppa where he sat at Simon the Tanners house for 2 full years.  A man who was on fire for moving the Gospel of Christ throughout the world was put in a holding pattern by God for 2 years, and in all places, probably the most Jewish ceremonially unclean dwelling possible.  He lived with a man who tanned hides of all sorts of animals, and definitely didn't follow the Kosher practices for preparing the animal.

Makes you realize your short term "holding pattern" isn't quite so disastrous.

The truth is Peter needed a break.  Peter was a living, growing, breathing human being just like you and I.  He was allowing himself to be completely led by the Holy Spirit, all in with God, no Plan B, and he needed supernatural rest to prepare him for the next adventure.  God's Plan B for us is Joppa.  When he has used us to completely fulfill the current Plan A, he switches to Plan B--rest, supernatural rest, to recharge, refocus and recommit yourself to Christ.

That only happens when you're living "All In".

I didn't realize this.  I thought I was living all in for Christ.  I thought I was obedient.  I thought I deserved more and better life, more than I ever imagined.  I was terribly mistaken.  I had given my eternal life over to him, but I didn't give my whole live over.  I still clung onto my ways, my feet firmly and stubbornly grounded in the lifestyle I chose to live.  I was holding onto the rubbish and baggage of my past and not letting go.  I didn't understand what an "All In" lifestyle meant.  I was serving two masters; therefore, serving one.

My soul was being suffocated.  Again.

As Proverbs 26:11-12 is quick to point out, I was like a dog who returns to its vomit, I was a fool repeating my folly.  I was a person wise in my own eyes.  There was more hope for a fool than for me.  I had made myself into my own God, thinking I knew better than him.  I was arrogant, and I had created an idol out of my life.  I deserved better.  I had a master's degree!!!  I should be making $50k/year like all my friends.

My divided life was dog vomit.  Consumed in anger, pride and entitlement.  I went back for more.

No wonder my life quickly spiraled downward, even faster than before.  Torment and tumultuous battles raged within my soul.  My life was at a standstill until I would choose to come off my stubborn-necked ways.  I was brash enough to call it a "holding pattern".  I thought it was God holding me back.  I could see my dreams, I could see what I wanted, but God was responsible for not giving it to me when I wanted it and how I wanted it.  I wanted two masters.  I wanted to continue my Sunday ritual of cleansing, so I could defile what I had Monday through Saturday.

The grace of God extended my growth and learning about him, even among my disobedience and living off his path and his will.  That in itself is a miracle.  But God was so patient and kind, Jesus being bigger than my life of two masters, that they waited till I kicked and screamed myself out, until I was out of rope and out of breath.  That's when they rushed in and saved me.

I wasn't in Joppa.  I wasn't in a holding pattern.  Not even at the airport.  I was still at the travel agent booking my flight.

My travel toward Joppa started on Monday, September 26, 2011, when I was faced with going deep, all in and seeing how dark, empty and gross my high-roller lifestyle left me.  I had to face my deepest sins and wounds.  I had to make the decision to let it all go and to show everyone who I really was and what I was really up to.  All the while God was right there telling me I had to be 100% transparent, to tell everything, no matter how weird or dark, or else I was going to die.

I was already dead.  Either way I died.  That night I chose to die to myself for Christ.  I finally booked my ticket to Joppa.

My travel to the airport and travel agent at the gate was probably the hardest time of my life.  However, for the first time I was fully alive, ready to experience my life to the fullest.  I understand what it is to be joyful in all circumstances (Philippians), because my whole world was crashing down, and all I was doing was praising Jesus!

I had arrived to the airport, had my ticket and was ready to go through security.  One final look at what was hidden within my soul.  Pastor Doug was my TSA agent, and he ordered a full out x-ray/body scan search of everything inside of my heart.  I was cut and exposed by the grace of God, and by the consuming love of God it was all burned away.  Pastor Doug made me realize that this was a turning point.  I could continue living in two worlds with a divided heart, or I could live life undivided, all in with Christ.  I chose all in!  I am forever grateful for Pastor Doug and the Valleybrook staff for seeing who I was created to be.

My heart was undivided.  One Master.  One Plan.  Eternal Life.  Baptism by Fire.

As I arrived in Joppa, where I currently am at this present day, a whole new life was laid out in front of my eyes.  I could see with clarity where I had been and where I'm to go.  Now I sit in eager anticipation, joyfully awaiting to get back up in the air to my next adventure.  But I am not dreading the wait, I no longer HATE living in Eau Claire [living in Eau Claire for me was hellish at first--the only thing that kept me here besides Chalsea was Valleybrook Church and for good reason].  I can go to Superior without feeling the dread of the life and soul sucking force that rules that city and the dread and longing of returning to my divided ways.  I can be with my friends no matter where they live, connected in Koinonia fellowship and Agape love through the Dunamis power of the Holy Spirit.  I am content with where I'm at but not stuck.  Eagerly anticipating how God's will for my life will use me next.

My new adventure is about to begin.  I'm ready.  Are you ready for yours?

I love you,

Ken

Boldly entering my new life

Boldness.

Where did this come from?  Why am I choosing to speak out now?  Truth is, I have always been meant to carry this type of boldness with me, from a young child on.  Instead of living the Dunamis power out, I stuffed it behind a cloak of shame and guilt.  It was no one's fault, I just felt awkward knowing what I knew, and every time I would tell someone of the good news I would face ridicule and persecution.  So I quit speaking what came to mind, buttoned up and numbed out to who I was created to be.

I grew up with a lot of shame and guilt.  I was always the type of child who was always picked on.  Gullible was a good term, but at times I did bring it on myself.  I was a teachers pet, an "A" student with an even larger appetite for correcting people and judgement.  If I saw something that wasn't right I'd let the person know or tattle.  Of course, I didn't enjoy the consequences of tattling, so eventually I quit speaking up and just learned how to behave on my own.

Perfect image.  Hollow character.  Always on "cue".

I was a well behaved boy, who was kind to others and never spoke out against anyone.  I did have a heart for people and their issues, and often times my classmates would come to me for advice.  I never understood why or how people could see the light in me or seek me for wisdom, but I went with it because it made me feel good.  Like I was fulfilling a higher need.  I would do the best I could with having limited experiences, and it always seemed to comfort those in need.  However, when I would see a classmate screw up, I always had the "correct response" of judgement and rebuke to get them back on track, never allowing anyone to fail.  If someone would fail, I would take offense to it and probably to them as well.  I quickly became isolated and alone.  I remember in fifth grade I defined myself as "Weird, but in a good way."  If there is such a thing.

Of course feeling shame and guilt in social isolation with a judging heart isn't a good place to be.  I did not want to turn to anyone because of what they might say back to me, so my feelings became invalidated, especially if they weren't "manly" feelings or if they were feelings reflecting the sin in my life.  I was also afraid to turn to God because he was a vengeful creator who would smite people if they acted out.  Scary stuff to a ten-year-old.  Jesus was always my buddy, so I could always confide in him, but that just added confusion to how the "three-in-one" system worked.  So I compartmentalized things and the trinity lost its power.  I would go to God for the big stuff and Jesus for forgiveness.

God was to be feared.  Jesus was revered.  The Holy Spirit was the glue.

My classmates and I would never talk about God or Jesus together, even though a lot of my friends went to church.  I remember talking to a girl about her confirmation class and it was so foreign to me.  Other kids would talk about Sunday school, and I loved school, so I wanted to go, too, but I went to church where no one else in my class went to, so I felt special but also alone.

Full of wisdom.  Judgmental.  Alone.

So that's how I grew up.  Living timid, and scared to talk to people about the good news Jesus proclaimed.  It was big deal to talk about Jesus to others, and most of the conversations I grew up with about Jesus to those who didn't go to my church turned into big arguments about the bible and interpretations, so I learned not to go there.  My light went out.

Until God saved me from my distress a few months ago.  I uncovered my secret world of shame and guilt, the one that was killing me slowly from added weight and pressure of being found out.  It was destroying me, I was at the end of my rope, and God gave me a way out.  I let people into places they never knew existed, and in that vulnerability I learned who I was.  Then a miracle happened.

Broken.  Wounded.  Bleeding out.  Dependent on my Savior.  Made new by his grace.

The Dunamis power of baptisma (baptism) by fire (from the Greek noun Βάπτισμα baptisma), overtook my body and my bleeding conscious had become cleansed.  I had been outwardly baptized before, twice, once as a child then later in life when I came to know Christ again, but my internal world was still a mess.  On that day, listening to the Dream Again series from Valleybrook and another series about baptism from Liquid Church, I felt this power overtake my soul and my heart began to burn for Christ and his healing began within me.

Once you have been hit by the Dunamis conviction of Christ's baptism, there is no going back.  The taste of his goodness and love is too strong.  What used to be a Sunday task, now became my daily mission out of a choice of obedience to him.  It took on the urgency of needing to know him and share him with others like never before, and allowing him to heal my heart and past wounds.

Intentional living for Christ.  I died, he lived through me.

I learned the difference between Earthly humility and humbleness and Godly humility and humbleness.  To open myself up in an all in plan with God, to allow myself to be vulnerable and let God heal all the stink inside--to transform my trailer park image of a heart (as was discussed in my introduction), was the most humbling experience of my life.  The only way I got there was through allowing humility to enter my presence and see how small and arrogant I really was toward my creator.  Where I thought I was humble and showed humility before, now I realized it was pride and arrogance.  To truly be humble is to see yourself for who you really are, and allow Christ's healing powers to show you to to walk in obedience and humility with him as you travel on the Earth, living as dependent on God as you really are.

This all came to total fruition on a weekend trip.  What was supposed to be a trip to visit a couple Chaslea and I love to death turned out to become a Spirit filled journey of showing people how desperate I was and how lost I was and how the power of Jesus saved me from eternal death.  Everyone I talked to that weekend noticed a change, and it seems like every conversation was Christ centered in some shape or form.  God revealed to me that I had nothing to fear anymore and to go for it!

Go for it I did!  Only through Dunamis power and living dependent on God.

No Plan B.  Spirit Driven.  Intentional living.

Start living your life today!  That is my prayer for you!  Don't be intimidated by others, and live the life God created you to have!

I love you,

Ken

Introduction

I've never been one for blogs or blogging.  I've always felt that I haven't had much to say or nothing interesting to say.  That's been my life, really, always shying away from people because I felt awkward and not worthy of speaking to since I led a very boring life. 

You're too weird.  No one cares what you think or say.  You're so boring.  (OK, so I appreciate the writing style of Rob Bell.)

Even in college when I "broke out of my shell", the social isolation didn't leave.  Oh I was the center of attention way too many times, but even that was a facade to covering my shame and torment. 

You're defiled and dirty.  No one will accept you for who you are.

That all changed a while ago when I started learning who I really am.  There have been a lot of affirmation talks and digging deep into my soul and past to uncover my true identity, but now I'm arriving.  I will always be in process but I will never go back to my self-created identity. 

My self-created identity was somewhat of a trailer trash homestead with a decrepit trailer in the middle, where my heart was stored, and on the outside piles and piles of rubble, accumulated junk from cars to washers to bed springs (we all know the picture).  The yard itself was unkempt and the grass, brush and trees grew wild, and the only way around was the narrow walking paths to various places around the yard.  And the smell...you would swear it was a toxic dump if there wasn't a fire number at the end of the brushed in driveway.  No way anyone lived there, yet there I was, alone and sitting in my own filth.  Turning again and again to my own cloak of shame, guilt and hiding.

Part of my new God-Created Identity is sharing my heart which was so isolated and alone.  I am now to be a light for others to help inspire their journey.  God has created me with a vision of spreading encouragement and truth to all who listen.  I was made to be a fearless warrior with a sensitive and loving heart for others and the urgency to help people walk out of their own destruction into the light.  Instead of using judgement and slander through a critical and sharp tongue, I can now meet people where they are and help them with their own walk. I am no longer afraid of persecution or rejection.  I am a rock in Christ who has redeemed my soul and strengthened my own story to stand back up and return to the straight and narrow path.

Warrior.  Fearless.  Encourager.  Man of God.

This won't be one of those superior religious mediums where I am afraid to come off the "ark" and stay in my safe zone of piety, judgement and know it all attitude.  I'm going to be vulnerable to bear all and take the walk where God wants me to go.  I will cover many different topics and ideas along the way, all meant to shed a new light on some areas that may have been shut off in the past and create a spark in your own heart.  This spark is meant to be investigated by you and really searched out in your own life.

Question it.  Ponder it.  Use it to find your own story.

I don't know when the words will come or how often the posts will be delivered, but when God tells me to write, I'll write.  I may make mistakes.  I may leave incomplete blogs, or go back and change past blogs to help clarify some meanings.  But through grace I can claim my identity and be allowed to fail.  Again, I'm new to blogging, so I have no idea how this really works.  This whole thing started with putting words of wisdom up on my Facebook statuses, and seeing how God would use them.  It's now time to move from status updates to full on writings.

So what is the deal with the big words in your blog title?  Dunamis?  Joppa?  I thought this was an "ark free" zone?

OK, so my own inspiration for this journey started with listening to past podcasts of Valleybrook Church sermons.  The first series I listened to was "Dream Again", a yearlong study on the Book of Acts.  During this study Dunamis power was talked about, a lot, and really spoke to me about the power of the Trinity (God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit).

So what is Dunamis?

Dunamis is a Greek word that is where we derive our word dynamite.  We all know dynamite is powerful.  Well it just so happens that Dunamis is Greek is pretty powerful, too.  It is the power of the Trinity--that holds the three together in perfect unison, the power behind the Holy Spirit.  This is the same power that was in the creation story in Genesis, the same power that parted the Red Sea, helped the Israelites many times in defeating their bigger and stronger enemies, and rose Jesus from the dead.  This Dunamis power also flowed through the 120 lowly followers from Galilee in the upper room during Pentecost and caused these 120 to speak in tongues of their captive lands.  The miracle behind this is these Jews from Galilee were not well spoken individuals.  Galileans were on the lower end of the social spectrum and certainly did not have the education to be well versed in their native Hebrew, let alone the language of their captors (Acts 2). 

Duanmis is translated as (http://www.studylight.org/lex/grk/view.cgi?number=1411):

1. strength power, ability

1. inherent power, power residing in a thing by virtue of its nature, or which a person or thing exerts and puts forth
2. power for performing miracles
3. moral power and excellence of soul
4. the power and influence which belong to riches and wealth
5. power and resources arising from numbers
6. power consisting in or resting upon armies, forces, hosts

It is the same power that is causing me to write this blog without fear of  persecution.  It is the same power that still flows through the Holy Spirit and the Trinity today keeping us all in unity with the movement of God and Jesus. 

Duanmis power is the reason why I came alive from the brink of death and has inspired me to write the words I am sharing.

Joppa.  In Acts 9-10 Peter ends up in the Gentile city of Joppa (now is part of the outskirts of Tel Aviv).  He first arrived there to raise a disciple from the dead, but then ended up living with Simon the Tanner.  Now if you think about this, Peter, being from a very strong line of devout Jews at the time, was probably a little nervous (that's an understatement), about spending time with such a "defiled" Gentile who tanned animal hides (both clean and unclean animals) for a living.  I'm sure there was blood and "unclean" meat and "unclean" carcasses lying all around.  If you could imagine Detective Monk in a meat processing plant, you could imagine Peter in the first few days with Simon.  Read more about Peter's time in Joppa to get a better understanding. 

Unclean animals, blood, guts, hides, meat.  Kosher Peter.

Not only was this hilariously ironic once you see the history and his "cleanliness rituals" behind his stay in Joppa, but it was also a critical stop for unlocking the gospel for the gentiles (aka everyone who was not a Jew or Samaritan--Jewish "half-breed").  If Peter didn't spend two years in Joppa for a time to rest and recharge his batteries, and to get better acquainted with the Gentiles, God would not have been able to use him as the key to unlock the miracle of Jesus Christ to the world!

Dunamis filled miracles and wonders.  Rest.  Recharge.  Repeat. 

Joppa was a huge resting place for Peter.  Joppa is also a term used today for our own "resting periods" or "holding patterns" as we walk along our own Christian journey.  Have you ever felt periods of waiting and waiting and waiting for God to move again in your life?  Like you're stuck in a holding pattern with no hope of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel?  I lived in Joppa for four years until God unlocked my heart to being the restoration process of all the brokenness and shame.  After six strong months of recovery, I lived one Duanmis filled weekend and I was spent.  I understand why Peter spent 2 years in Joppa.

So Joppa in the title explains where I've been in order to unlock my Duanmis filled journey.  My "Duanmis Journey in Joppa" was born.  Even my website domain was inspired: by slowing down, I was able to dream again!

Power.  Holy Spirit.  Redeemed life made new.

Yes, this is a lot of information for the introduction, but I feel it is essential for really understanding my journey and the blog itself.  I hope you enjoy this reading and that it challenges you in ways you never thought possible.  Much of the same way that I have been challenged to dream again for a new and better life, one that I never thought possible, but am now experiencing.

I love you,


Ken