This blog took a while to create. I was somewhat disappointed that I wasn't able to keep up with the "daily" blogs, but God had such a more amazing plan behind it. The journey just to get to this point has been amazing and even after taking a few days, is more and better than I had dreamed. Enjoy...
Living free in your own life. You would think this is easy. Being you should be the most natural thing in the world...after all you are you, right? Have you ever thought of that? Learning to life free as you? This means living in a world of not being constrained by other peoples' impressions and ideas of who you need to be, not allowing culture to tell you what is acceptable or how you should act, not trying to please everyone and having everyone like you. This means allowing yourself the grace to mess up sometimes and allowing other people to make mistakes, and not taking it personally.
This means living free of filtering everything we see and hear of what we think is being said or seen through our own perception and past wounds --always looking for that hidden agenda or message. The hidden message or agenda of when is the other shoe going to drop, or what is that person really up to, or this person is here for me now, but when are they going to bail like everyone else?
You're worthless. No one really feels that way about me. What do they really want?
Living free means learning how to love people and let them into your heart. It means taking down your walls of protection and getting to know others at their level and at your level. That may mean you need to break down some toughness or bring your guard down just a bit to let people in. Maybe you need to dig deep and heal some past hurts that have put you in your isolated shell. It means feeling more emotion than frustration and anger.
At first going free from either way seems vulnerable and gross when you think about it. We begin to like who everyone else sees us as, even if it goes against our core nature of who God created us to be. We are rewarded for pleasing everyone even if it means we become hollow on the inside. We get rewarded for being everyone's friend, but not letting anyone know who we are. We get rewarded by pushing people away and isolating by developing a tough external shell. We get rewarded by living in our shame based identity.
By living in shame we crave more sin, which leads to more numbing shame, so we reach for more sin thinking that it will help medicate our shame, but instead we bring on more shame, so we sin more, seeking relief but never finding it. For example, one may be a workaholic, never spending time fostering real relationships or time with his family. To medicate this shame of never being home, he buys really cool things with money he really doesn't have, so he needs to work more hours. These hours start to become a burden on him and strain his relationships, so instead of rushing home after work, he runs to the bar. This brings more shame. The bar was supposed to help medicate his inadequacies of not having an intimate family and being in debt, but instead it just increased his shame level. So when he goes home, drunk, he and his wife argue. This leads to even more separation. To ease his anxiety levels of not being in a loving relationship with his wife, he turns to porn and his hand for relief. Defiling himself, he feels more shame, so he goes back to work to pay off the debt to keep his family close to buy cool things.
In the end, we get rewarded by living the standard that culture demands, even if it means compromising our morals. Anything to not have to feel negative emotions, to push people away, to numb out, or to make a new friend, right?
Get it?
I could go on more about shame but for this writing the basic thing you need to understand about shame is that it was created by God to get us back onto his path and will for our life. Shame, when seen and processed correctly, is a good thing. It's that quick sting to the conscious that makes us realized we sinned, we feel the mourn over what we have done (Godly sorrow) and move back into God's plan for our life. Godly shame. Shame turns ugly when we stuff it, believe the lies it is telling us (you're not good enough, you're a liar, you're a fake, no one really loves you, you're worthless, etc.), let it control us and let it drive us deeper into sin and more shame. This is called counterfeit shame because it completely destroys the Godly shame in our life and replaces it with a bleeding conscious that can only feel guilt and despair, so we reach for things that medicate us instead of toward God who can cure us. That's when shame completely takes over in our self-created identity and invites other evil drivers to come with it (pride, guilt, selfishness, etc.).
What is more gross? Going free or living out who you're not?
We are all offered a choice. It doesn't matter if you believe in God or not. His rules still apply for your life. His truth is still universal.
As it is stated in Jerimiah 17:5-6 (NIV) -- This is what the Lord says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength, and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.
This is what happens when we live out our Self-Created Identity, we find a lot of inner turmoil, shame and instability. With this we grow insecure in our own creation of who we are and look to others to affirm our existence. There is nothing more dangerous than living vicariously through other people's perceptions of you. Just as there a a thousand differing views and opinions on every subject in the universe, there are also thousands of differing views and opinions on how you should live your life and who you should be.
If you are a nice guy/girl or a people pleaser, this leads to spinning a lot of plates, wearing a lot of hats, and burning yourself thin as to avoid any conflicts and to sell yourself a s a good person. After a while you lose the core of your identity and don't even know who you are. You feel empty and isolated, and live in lies of not feeling worthy enough and unlovable. When I was asked who I was, and when I seriously considered the question, I always responded with, "I don't know." That was a dark, sinking feeling.
20 something years old. No clue who I was. Lost. Isolated. Alone.
Of course not everyone is a nice guy/girl or people pleaser. There are people who love to isolate, push people away, get angry on a whim and need to control the whole world. These people are content with being alone and bossy, although deep down they know they were made for deep, caring relationships. Out of the friends they do have, they can only trust one or two, and only on a good day. I don't really know what else to say about this type of relationship except we were created to be in relationship with others. That is why God created men and women, and created them to live in Koinonia relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit (but this is a discussion for another time).
Humans were made for love. Relationship. Unity with the Creator.
Why is it so hard to live out who we were created to be? Living like ourselves takes one courageous and bold choice. One that requires integrity of being the same person, no matter who we are around or situation we're in, day in and day out. It's a daily choice, just like breathing and going to work. However, beyond this daily choice, it also means we give up what we know, and who we know. We give up all of the rewards we have gained from living in our self-created identity. We may lose friendships, we may lose family members, we may lose everything we thought we were about. It leaves us vulnerable to a new way, an way not see, a way that is alien to our many years of living divided from God. That can be really scary, and if we don't have ocean deep faith in our Creator, the one who is standing just across the way, beckoning to walk toward him even though the waves are too high and we can't always see him clearly, we can lose hope and faith very quickly.
Faith in the unseen saves!
Another reason why it's hard to live out who we are really supposed to be is when we do step out of the boat and strip ourselves of the shell we were living in, it requires 100% transparency and vulnerability with those we are closest too and to ourselves. Of course this doesn't mean we share everything with everyone. Not everyone needs to know everything, and discretion should still be used. This is part of the grace and mercy that God extends to us through his guidance with the Holy Spirit in our lives. Who needs to know and at what time will be revealed to you as you learn how to listen to God's voice and be obedient to His commands.
When was the last time you lied to yourself about something?
If you are always worried about your self-perception and controlling the messages and emotions that fly out of your body (or stay trapped), transparency and vulnerability can be very costly and almost suffocating. You know what you are like inside and Satan will do all that he can to keep it within you. He loves that you are isolated and alone and feeling full of shame. He wants you to continue on your shame filled path.
What does it look like to go free? Story of Jesus walking out to the disciples on the boat (our self created identity and "safety net") and Peter stepping out of the boat and losing faith in the water (torment) but yells out for him and is saved. I was comfortable in the boat--my own self created identity of shame--, but when I stepped out I sank like a rock. I went out on my own power believing I was following Christ. I lived under water, allowing the torment to rule my life for a year and a half out of fear, pride and lack of faith that Jesus is who he says he is, until I finally looked up at my savior and redeemer and he called me anyway.
Jesus wants us to step out of the boat. He is on the other side of that wave that is crashing down upon us, the torment and shame that rules over our lives. He is the only one who can get us through safely and heal our souls. Of course it means we have to walk through the past wounds and torment, and that in itself is very painful, but when Jesus is reaching his hand out, guiding your footsteps and healing journey, overwhelming joy captivates your spirit and you no longer struggle on your own. Instead you see your best friend and brother patiently waiting for you, beckoning you to draw near and to keep your eyes on him. It's not easy, and you will feel a lot of pain and sorrow, but I truly believe it is the pain and sorrow that heal. No longer trapped by your self created pain and Earthly sorrow, but freed by the pains and moans of the spirit (Romans) and by the Godly Sorrow of repentance.
Step out of the boat. Live as dependent as you really are on God. The healing is worth it!
I still don't have it all figured out. This is a lifelong process of purifying and learning how to live the life God intended you to, but the less I hold onto my self created identity and learn how to live congruent and with integrity in all of my relationships as I grow into my God Created Identity. The more I learn about who I am the more the fire refines my body, spirit and soul, and the more I crave His will for my life and His truth about who I am. However, I still need vulnerability and transparency in relationships, because this is one of the keys of growing. In order to keep shame out I need to keep my life open and looking for help from my loving and trustworthy community.
Vulnerable. Transparent. But not alone.
What's so dangerous about living in our own identity? If we continue to live out our self created identity, one that can waiver and be pushed around like a leaf in the wind, we live a dangerous life of never having solid footing and truly knowing peace through knowing who we are.
We live with a heart divided.
When we live with a divided heart, with a fleeting heart, not secure in our identity in Christ, we share the same heart and soul as those who glorified Jesus on Palm Sunday and yelled, "Crucify Him!!" only five days later. When we live in our self created identity, we crucify Christ!
But if you life out who God created you to be, the second part of the passage comes alive! When we live out our God Created Identities, we become strengthened in who we are and planted in the confidence that dwells within our creator! Jeremiah 17:7-8 states this so clearly, "But blessed in the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought, and never fails to bear fruit."
So please take this message to heart. This is probably the most important blog you will ever read if you want to lead a solid, congruent life of integrity. I can't stress enough how much my heart aches for those who don't know who they are, and I just want to cry out for everyone who doesn't know the freedom you receive when you go free from the inner turmoil that holds you in your self created identity.
Jesus sums it up so well in Matthew 5 (13-16, 48):
13"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.
14-16"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven."
[...]
48"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."
We are kingdom subjects. Everyone who chooses Christ. Salt of the earth. Live out your God-created identity.
I love you,
Ken
PS: For an even more in depth reading on Shame and how it effects your identity pick up a copy of my good friend Grant Schultz's book Pure.
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